Christian dating kissing

Written by: Polly Categorized in: Christian Dating, Christian Singles Advice, Make a commitment that this initial face-to-face meeting is to be between two new friends who are related in Christ. The subject of being in love and romance should not be a part of this meeting. Place the needs of each other first and relax and enjoy. Christian Dating & Kissing – Kissing and cuddling whilst in a Christian dating relationship. What exactly are your thinking? Independent Bank provides clients ways that are many fund their aspirations through unsecured loans; Indian ladies expose what you ought to, and may maybe perhaps perhaps not do for an app that is dating Christian dating and Biblical guidlelines have many grey areas. So when it comes to the idea of kissing, as in sharing more than a holy kiss in a greeting (2 Corinthians 13:12), should we save our ... When Is the Right Time for a First Kiss in a Godly Relationship - Lindsey Brady - Read about Christian dating and get advice, help and resources on Christian single living. In my view, this includes premarital kissing. As the questions above indicate, however, many single Christians have questions about whether premarital physical activity at some level beyond kissing is OK. We need to address the whole spectrum (“just kissing” included). Let me offer a caveat or two at the outset. Christian Dating & Kissing Posted on: March 20, 2014. Written by: Fred Categorized in: Christian Dating, Christian Singles Advice. Kissing and cuddling while in a Christian dating relationship, Pastor Jim shares his thoughts about physical contact while dating. What are your thoughts? Do you agree? Although not exactly kissing directly, that could be helpful when making a decision that works for you when dating as a Christian. 1. Check your motive. First, whether or not you should kiss has ... Christian Dating & Kissing – Kissing and cuddling whilst in a Christian relationship that is dating. What exactly are your ideas? Pastor Jim stocks their ideas about real contact while dating. Would you concur? Provide this advice piece a browse and let us know your thinking when you look at... So rather than give you a concrete Christian dating boundaries list of do’s and don’ts like: no kissing, no laying on the couch together, no hanging out after midnight, etcetera – what I think would be more helpful is to create a list of “boundary categories” that each individual Christian guy and girl should define for themselves ... Seek him first (Matthew 6:33), and dating will be added according to his perfect plan and timing. The Golden Rule in Dating. But after embracing and applying the first and greatest commandment, I have found that the golden rule in dating is this: Lean hard on the people who know you best, love you most, and will tell you when you’re wrong.

Embracing Your Sexuality Part 1 - An Overview

2020.09.21 19:31 _Glory-to-Arstotzka_ Embracing Your Sexuality Part 1 - An Overview

An Introduction to this series:

In an interview with The Christian Post, Cait West admits the following: “I felt very disconnected from my own body because I was never taught about the sexual part of me [...] I didn’t want to think about my own body or explore my own sexuality because it was a dirty part of me I wasn’t allowed to explore. It made me feel weird about living in my own body, and I didn’t realize just how much I hated my own body [...] I’ve had a lot of trouble with disassociation in sexually intimate moments because it’s too much for me to be present in my own body because it feels bad [...] For years, you’re told something is bad — and then suddenly you get married and you’re supposed to be OK with it. It was like I was trained not to have that part of me turned on or be aware of things.”
Does this sound familiar to you? Even as a single woman, this still hits close enough to home to feel like a sucker punch to my stomach.
If you are reading this now as a woman who’s sexuality has been held at a knife point your whole life — regardless if you’re single, dating, engaged, or married — I welcome you with open arms. Cait West’s story was close to my own not too long ago. The cobwebs of doubts and feelings of guilt and shame still linger. I understand your silent suffering, even if you have been trained out of thinking it is suffering. So I will say this as often as I can:
Your sexuality is NOT a sin. Your sexuality IS a gift of God. Your sexual desires are NORMAL and HEALTHY.
Over the next parts I will walk you through my own life as I attempt to unpack this struggle that so many Christian women face. You are not alone in this, and I hope you can learn to drop this unnecessary, crushing burden the church has put on you, just as I am learning to now.

What is “Purity Culture”?

Despite my admittedly excessive amounts of time on the internet, this was a term I didn’t come across until very recently. It’s one of those terms that attempts to encompass a broad cultural movement. Those who lived through that movement know exactly what it means, but struggle to define it exactly due to the different ways it manifested in various communities. Since I wasn’t one of the (un)lucky ones that lived through the birth and entrenchment of this movement, my approach to defining this is also broad.
In the 1980s and 1990s, there was a push across American society to lower teen pregnancy rates. This push came in the form of an aggressive swing away from the “free love” of the 60s and 70s. Abstinence was queen, women were charged with not tempting the men in dress or actions, and casual dating was discouraged.
If you feel you would be responsible for tempting a man by wearing leggings or being “overly” friendly, if you feel as though going on multiple first dates would tarnish your reputation and/or innocence, or if the idea of kissing before marriage scares you — not for fear of being tempted but for fear of doing something “dirty” — you have been inducted into this purity culture. Of course, these examples only scratch the surface of the vast impact this movement has had. These more serve as a waypoint to begin your expedition in determining how you’ve been affected by it.
While this movement died off in most all secular communities following the 90s, it continues to prevail in most Christian circles. This is where most conservative communities find themselves now.

How does churchianity view women?

(If you are unfamiliar with the term “churchianity”, it simply refers to church culture as opposed to biblical truth.)
This is not a subject I can broach easily, nor does it deserve to be glossed over. In my experience, Christian women are either seen as saved sluts or innocent virgins. That is to say: either she’ll be good in bed but not as a housewife or the other way around. But the keyword here is seen.
Whether one is a virgin or not is rather black and white. But being good in bed or being a good housewife are both things one can learn and become better at. The Bible actually has foundational wisdom and instruction for both of these areas. Just check out Song of Solomon for what a biblically endorsed sex life looks like. For being a good housewife, Proverbs is the most concentrated source, but you’ll find verses and examples scattered throughout the Bible.
So where are the horny virgins? The housewives in training? Don’t bother asking the church, for that much nuance would send it into a rage. How dare I even acknowledge the existence of Song of Solomon? Cover your eyes children, you 16 to 25 year olds, you’re far too young for that kind of forbidden knowledge.
I can joke about it now, but until you realize the ridiculousness of the purity culture the modern church clings to so tightly, you’ll likely look the other way when Song of Solomon is even mentioned, just as I used to do.

My “terrible, horrible, no good, very bad” first crush

I will be revisiting this topic in later posts, but let’s talk about how purity culture more or less broke me over the rocks of my first crush.
I used to think I was slow to achieve social milestones, with my primary evidence being how I didn’t have my first crush until I was around 13 years old. I distinctly remember as far back as kindergarten my peers “like liking” one another, or “like liking” me. But I couldn’t understand what made one like another enough that they had to have a different phrase to explain it. Then I had my own first crush, and boy did I have it bad.
I made his acquaintance shortly after joining his friend group during my last year of middle school. He was a strong Christian guy, in every sense of the word “strong”. Good-humored, intelligent, and active in sharing his faith with our non-Christian friends. I would be lying if I said I didn’t go weak in the knees whenever he unexpectedly approached or talked to me.
Now, recall that at this point: I am 13 years old, I’ve grown up in the church under the thumb of purity culture, and until now have only had the experience of treating my male peers as purely platonic friends. No one — not my parents or teachers or church elders or friends or even media — had prepared me for this moment.
To say I was a constant ball of nervous energy and my mind a whirlwind of conflicting thoughts would probably be an understatement. Even in retrospect, I still think it’s an understatement. I knew that if I told my parents or my church leaders about this, they would tell me in seemingly polite terms to disregard it. “Aw how sweet! I remember my first crush. You’ll have others honey. Wait until you’re older, you’re too young.” I was no dummy at 13. Personally, I knew that it wouldn’t make sense to date anyone until we were old enough to drive and work. But that reasoning was drowned in the vast ocean of disappointment in knowing that my feelings would not only not be validated, but would be shunned.
On the other hand, I couldn’t tell my friends either. The idea of him knowing about my feelings paralyzed me. Yes, the very idea of expressing interest in a guy frightened me: not because I was nervous of what he would think of me, but rather because I felt the act itself was wrong — almost sinful. Almost.
With the natural, healthy emotions inside me being denied natural, healthy outlets, I found myself shutting down. If I couldn’t talk to my parents or church for fear of disappointment, if I couldn’t tell my friends for fear of word getting back to him, if I couldn’t even hold his gaze without being completely overwhelmed, who could I tell? Who could I turn to? That’s a story for another post.

Our sexual foundation

8 years. It took me 8 years until I found RPC and woke up to the realization that God made me a woman, God made sex, and God made sex to be pleasurable.
Really think about that last point. Few animals engage in sexual acts for fun (although a fair number appear to find it pleasurable). For an overwhelming majority of the animal kingdom, sex is simply the means to the end of passing on one’s genes. It’s a drive; and it often requires specific conditions — such as the female being in heat or the season being spring. In regards to the animals that mate for life, a majority of them are birds and do so as a reproductive strategy to keep their offspring alive.
In short, humans don’t experience sex and sexual relationships in the same way animals do. We were actually gifted a far greater capacity for fulfillment, pleasure, and freedom in regards to sexual relations. Why? From the beginning, God intended marriage to be a reflection of His relationship with us (Christ’s relationship with the Church). Imagine reflecting the sun into your eyes using a warped and dirty mirror. You’d probably still blind yourself. Marriage is like that mirror. What a huge, completely undeserved blessing!
I’m sure many of you reading have already come to this conclusion, so now it’s time to take the next step: because sex is built into the very foundation of our personhood, you cannot live life normally without its context.
Note that I didn’t say you couldn’t live life normally without sex. I specifically mean sexual context. Men and women function differently on all levels: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Interactions are also colored by sexual context. A man conversing with another man is going to look different from a woman conversing with a woman, which in turn will look different from a man and a woman conversing.
Diving briefly into RP theory, sexual context also explains the nuances of interactions across the sexes. What women admire in one another is vastly different from what men admire in women, and vice versa. Understanding the polygamy vs hypergamy divide points to the nuts and bots of the differences in human sexuality.
The TL;DR here is that the purity culture’s biggest and most dangerous failing was not taking into account how foundational sexuality is to our very existence. Shunning the very mention of sex outside the marital bedroom has left and continues to leave so, so many young people adrift in a sea of self-imposed shame and confusion. Just like Cait. Just like me.

Leaving purity culture behind

If you’ve made it this far, it’s time to take the final and most difficult step: reintroducing yourself to sexual context and, most importantly, reconnecting with your own sexuality. This will look different for each one of you, but I’ll tell you the sub steps I took or am taking currently to give you an idea of where to start. (When I circle back to this topic in a later post, I will update and/or improve upon this list. Don’t consider it a master list or instructional guide. Again, this is more of a waypoint to begin your own expedition.)
The first thing I did was read “Come as you are” by Dr. Emily Nagoski. (NOTE: This book is secular and touches on homosexual relationships and porn. While I do recommend it, I do so tentatively. It was not written from a Biblical perspective, so keep that in mind while reading.) This book covers all sexual topics you could imagine from both a scientific and practical perspective. It’s specifically for women who don’t understand their own sexuality and teaches us how to embrace ourselves (with the nice side effect of drastically improving sex lives, for those of you who are married). There are some chapters or parts you may not feel ready to read. Personally I skipped over the part of orgasms on my first read because I didn’t feel ready to approach that topic. Remember: rebuilding a bridge doesn’t happen overnight! Don’t push yourself too far outside of your comfort zone, especially in areas as tumultuous as this. Reconnecting to your sexuality should be an exciting and joyous experience, not a nerve-wracking or uncomfortable one.
The second thing I did was allow myself to enjoy the sexual desires God gave me. Instead of quickly looking away from a guy I find attractive so as to avoid eye contact, I let myself pause and admire. And if we make eye contact, I smile. It took me a rather long time to work up the courage to do that, but each time after the first has been easier and easier.
Being attracted to a man is not sin, but if you allow your thoughts or eyes to linger too long it could lead to sinful sexual thoughts or opening the door for your heart to get inappropriately attached. To distinguish between the two, I frame the thoughts in the context of prayer. “Wow Lord, look at that man you made! He’s really been stewarding what You gave him” vs “Man, Lord if I could just be alone with that guy…” I’ve had both thoughts. The first one was me relating to God using humor (which He also made!) The second was sin, wherein the Holy Spirit immediately convicted me, I repented, and was able realign myself with God.
To add to that last point, I cannot stress enough that you need to make sure you include God on every step of this journey. How many women do you know or have heard of that swung hard the other way upon reaching college age? Such as dressing overtly provocatively or sleeping around. You will be tempted to go too far in your new found freedom, once you start down this path. Remember that you have freedom because of the absolute truth of God, found in the Bible.
The third thing I did, and am doing, is improving my body. Better wardrobe, better skin, makeup, working out, etc. Or to summarize it using the mantra of this community: No flat butts! Yes, this is to be attractive. But that’s only part of it. By improving your body, you’re forced to accept it as it is. For years and years I never felt comfortable in my own skin because I thought it was vain to take care of it. But God has explicitly charged us with stewarding — taking care of and improving — what we are given. This includes your body. So go all out! Be the best you you can be. God encourages us to! In accepting your body as it is, you’ll find peace. In improving it, you’ll find confidence.
Again, Joshua 1:8, keep God’s law on your lips always. Don’t go out of your way to dress provocatively. If you feel like you’re sinning by wearing something, then you probably are. If you’re unsure, find another Christian woman whose fashion sense you trust and have her help you find clothes.

Conclusion/final thoughts:

I began writing this as a response to purity culture, but the more I wrote the more I realized how many different branches on this tree of female sexuality, culture, and the Bible there are that could be explored. In the end, I decided that I could keep this as an intro/overview and expand on the different branches in later posts. Things like my own experience within this framework (alluded to in the part about my first crush), how we relate to ourselves, how we relate with the opposite sex, feminism and media, masculine vs. feminine, and so on. I haven’t yet written out all I want to cover, so this series may end up being fairly long, but I hope that wherever you’re coming from in your RPC journey, you’re on board for this ride.
Also, if you haven’t read Song of Solomon yet, what are you waiting for?
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2020.09.21 14:13 throwaway12341010101 My (M21) boyfriend (M30) cheated on me with my best friend (M25) and then they tried to pressure me into a throuple

This is a long story that's wild from start to finish. I really wish this was fake but it isn't.
I met my (now ex) boyfriend (lets call him Mark) in October last year, and I happily introduced him to my best friend "Jason" who has been my friend since I was 8. Mark and Jason swiftly became good friends and all was good until lockdown hit. Since me and Jason were around each other pretty much every day and he and Mark were friends, we all decided to move in together until covid blew over. This is something I'd have never have done if covid wasn't a thing. I wanted to take this slow and proper, no moving in with each other until we had been at least dating for over a year (preferably longer), but due to the obvious circumstances (quarantine) that couldn't happen. Me and Mark had our issues that I'll list here:
1: Sex. I wanted to wait until marriage or until I was ready, and when I was ready he insisted I wasn't ready and kept turning me down whilst complaining we weren't having sex. He's a very sexual and intimate person, and I'm quite shy and conservative (strict Christian upbringing, coming out as gay was difficult and had some backlash from family, and there was a lot of self hatred involved because from my point of view being gay was a sin. Mark was my first boyfriend so I guess that's why I fell hard)
2: He cheated on me in the past. Twice. That's where the sex issue came up. I wasn't giving him any so he looked elsewhere. He literally had an orgy (He was tagged in a picture on Facebook by a friend I've never heard of. I later found out the man was his ex "master"). I was devastated but forgave him because I'm an idiot and I like to see the best in people and give chances and I've been told I'm way too trusting, which I see now is true. The second time was just a kiss with a friend of his and apparently it was just a peck. I was upset but it doesn't surpass the betrayal I felt with the orgy thing.
3: Whenever we had issues, he refused to speak about it. This was the downfall of our relationship. I like to talk about our problems so we can solve them, but he doesn't. He'd say it's because he's scared of my temper but that's a lie since I'd rarely get mad at him, and if I was it'd be minor frustration. I'd never lash out at him.
4: My autism. I don't like to be touched much and he was understanding at first but he'd get frustrated with me after a while. And when I'd have a sensory overload or a meltdown he'd be good about it and would help me calm down or take me somewhere quiet, but sometimes that'd seem like a really big inconvenience for him and it'd make me feel embarrassed and upset afterwards.
Anyways back to the story. Mark and Jason got close, Mark occasionally flirted with Jason, and me not wanting to be a clingy possessive boyfriend I ignored it. I thought he was joking because Mark is a flirt but apparently I was wrong.
One evening in July I went to get food shopping since it'd be less crowded and safer, and Mark decided it was a good idea to have wine and chill out playing video games with Jason, which resulted in him (Mark) getting drunk. I returned just in time to see him and Jason making out with each other in the living room. Jason said he was drunk too, but I'm doubtful because he seemed pretty damn sober to me. Words were had, tears were shed and Mark went to our room and Jason went to his own. I slept on the couch. The next day we all had a sit down and a chat and they confessed they were in love with each other, but they were in love with me too and wanted us all to be together. There was a lot of pressure over the next few days and I eventually said okay, but seeing the way they were romantic together made me devastated, sick.
I'm a monogamous person and I was truly and deeply in love with Mark and I honestly wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, but I won't lie and say I didn't have a tiny little crush on Jason too because he was a good looking guy, but I wanted to be with Mark and only Mark.
Obviously I changed my mind to the throuple thing, me and Mark ended and I got the hell out of there because I don't need that trouble in my life. I see now that Mark is just trouble and for a first boyfriend he was the worst person I could have been with.
I moved back in with my parents the next day and haven't had contact with Mark since. Jason, however, is still my friend. That's where the issue is.
I constantly see Mark hitting on Jason on facebook and it hurts. Jason rarely responds to it, he said he'd never date Mark because I made him promise (I doubt that'll stop him to be honest, but we'll see). I ended up blocking Mark on all social media, but the paranoia of Jason dating him is always there.
Jason says I need to get over it because they were both drunk and because they were drunk it wasn't cheating (even Mark said the orgy wasn't cheating because I denied him of sex, even though I had offered it ((I'm a virgin so it was a big deal to me)).
How do I get over it? Should I get over it? What do I do? How do I trust Jason again? I don't know what to do and I'm really lost.
Tl;dr - started dating some guy that was into weird sex stuff, he cheated on me three times - first time was an orgy, third time was with my best friend, they tried to pressure me into a throuple and I got the hell out of there.

Edit: Wording, formatting
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2020.09.21 06:52 Tomboy25525 Advice on losing virginity. Should I or should I not wait?

I’m 23f and a virgin. Growing up Christian I always thought I wanted to wait for marriage. Turns out I was just gay and didn’t want to have sex with men. I’m still Christian and honestly struggle with my sexuality a bit but have decided to say fuck it and have started dating girls. Here’s my problem, whether it’s commitment issues, compulsory heterosexuality, Or I just simply haven’t met the right person yet I have not connected with anyone to a point I want a serious relationship. But I LOVE kissing women. And I honestly don’t want to wait for that “perfect” person anymore.
Basically I just want to meet girls from tinder, make out, and see where things go from there. I don’t think I would really let anyone really do anything with me but I definitely want to do more than just kiss them. I was just wondering if you guys think I’m missing out by not waiting for someone “special” to lose my “virginity” too.
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2020.09.20 15:45 akkshaikh The Bet - Anton Chekhov (Short Story Sunday No.1)

This is the first post in our new series, Short Story Sunday, where we'll read and discuss short stories from public domain. Today's short story is The Bet - Anton Chekhov.

The Bet - Anton Chekhov :

It was a dark autumn night. The old banker was walking up and down his study and remembering how, fifteen years before, he had given a party one autumn evening. There had been many clever men there, and there had been interesting conversations. Among other things they had talked of capital punishment. The majority of the guests, among whom were many journalists and intellectual men, disapproved of the death penalty. They considered that form of punishment out of date, immoral, and unsuitable for Christian states. In the opinion of some of them the death penalty ought to be replaced everywhere by imprisonment for life.

“I don’t agree with you,” said their host the banker. “I have not tried either the death penalty or imprisonment for life, but if one may judge a priori, the death penalty is more moral and more humane than imprisonment for life. Capital punishment kills a man at once, but lifelong imprisonment kills him slowly. Which executioner is the more humane, he who kills you in a few minutes or he who drags the life out of you in the course of many years?”

“Both are equally immoral,” observed one of the guests, “for they both have the same object—to take away life. The State is not God. It has not the right to take away what it cannot restore when it wants to.”

Among the guests was a young lawyer, a young man of five-and-twenty. When he was asked his opinion, he said:

“The death sentence and the life sentence are equally immoral, but if I had to choose between the death penalty and imprisonment for life, I would certainly choose the second. To live anyhow is better than not at all.”

A lively discussion arose. The banker, who was younger and more nervous in those days, was suddenly carried away by excitement; he struck the table with his fist and shouted at the young man:

“It’s not true! I’ll bet you two millions you wouldn’t stay in solitary confinement for five years.”

“If you mean that in earnest,” said the young man, “I’ll take the bet, but I would stay not five but fifteen years.”

“Fifteen? Done!” cried the banker. “Gentlemen, I stake two millions!”

“Agreed! You stake your millions and I stake my freedom!” said the young man.

And this wild, senseless bet was carried out! The banker, spoilt and frivolous, with millions beyond his reckoning, was delighted at the bet. At supper he made fun of the young man, and said:

“Think better of it, young man, while there is still time. To me two millions are a trifle, but you are losing three or four of the best years of your life. I say three or four, because you won’t stay longer. Don’t forget either, you unhappy man, that voluntary confinement is a great deal harder to bear than compulsory. The thought that you have the right to step out in liberty at any moment will poison your whole existence in prison. I am sorry for you.”

And now the banker, walking to and fro, remembered all this, and asked himself: “What was the object of that bet? What is the good of that man’s losing fifteen years of his life and my throwing away two millions? Can it prove that the death penalty is better or worse than imprisonment for life? No, no. It was all nonsensical and meaningless. On my part it was the caprice of a pampered man, and on his part simple greed for money. …”

Then he remembered what followed that evening. It was decided that the young man should spend the years of his captivity under the strictest supervision in one of the lodges in the banker’s garden. It was agreed that for fifteen years he should not be free to cross the threshold of the lodge, to see human beings, to hear the human voice, or to receive letters and newspapers. He was allowed to have a musical instrument and books, and was allowed to write letters, to drink wine, and to smoke. By the terms of the agreement, the only relations he could have with the outer world were by a little window made purposely for that object. He might have anything he wanted—books, music, wine, and so on—in any quantity he desired by writing an order, but could only receive them through the window. The agreement provided for every detail and every trifle that would make his imprisonment strictly solitary, and bound the young man to stay there exactly fifteen years, beginning from twelve o’clock of November 14, 1870, and ending at twelve o’clock of November 14, 1885. The slightest attempt on his part to break the conditions, if only two minutes before the end, released the banker from the obligation to pay him two millions.

For the first year of his confinement, as far as one could judge from his brief notes, the prisoner suffered severely from loneliness and depression. The sounds of the piano could be heard continually day and night from his lodge. He refused wine and tobacco. Wine, he wrote, excites the desires, and desires are the worst foes of the prisoner; and besides, nothing could be more dreary than drinking good wine and seeing no one. And tobacco spoilt the air of his room. In the first year the books he sent for were principally of a light character; novels with a complicated love plot, sensational and fantastic stories, and so on.

In the second year the piano was silent in the lodge, and the prisoner asked only for the classics. In the fifth year music was audible again, and the prisoner asked for wine. Those who watched him through the window said that all that year he spent doing nothing but eating and drinking and lying on his bed, frequently yawning and angrily talking to himself. He did not read books. Sometimes at night he would sit down to write; he would spend hours writing, and in the morning tear up all that he had written. More than once he could be heard crying.

In the second half of the sixth year the prisoner began zealously studying languages, philosophy, and history. He threw himself eagerly into these studies—so much so that the banker had enough to do to get him the books he ordered. In the course of four years some six hundred volumes were procured at his request. It was during this period that the banker received the following letter from his prisoner:

“My dear Jailer, I write you these lines in six languages. Show them to people who know the languages. Let them read them. If they find not one mistake I implore you to fire a shot in the garden. That shot will show me that my efforts have not been thrown away. The geniuses of all ages and of all lands speak different languages, but the same flame burns in them all. Oh, if you only knew what unearthly happiness my soul feels now from being able to understand them!” The prisoner’s desire was fulfilled. The banker ordered two shots to be fired in the garden.

Then after the tenth year, the prisoner sat immovably at the table and read nothing but the Gospel. It seemed strange to the banker that a man who in four years had mastered six hundred learned volumes should waste nearly a year over one thin book easy of comprehension. Theology and histories of religion followed the Gospels.

In the last two years of his confinement the prisoner read an immense quantity of books quite indiscriminately. At one time he was busy with the natural sciences, then he would ask for Byron or Shakespeare. There were notes in which he demanded at the same time books on chemistry, and a manual of medicine, and a novel, and some treatise on philosophy or theology. His reading suggested a man swimming in the sea among the wreckage of his ship, and trying to save his life by greedily clutching first at one spar and then at another.

II
The old banker remembered all this, and thought:

“Tomorrow at twelve o’clock he will regain his freedom. By our agreement I ought to pay him two millions. If I do pay him, it is all over with me: I shall be utterly ruined.”

Fifteen years before, his millions had been beyond his reckoning; now he was afraid to ask himself which were greater, his debts or his assets. Desperate gambling on the Stock Exchange, wild speculation and the excitability which he could not get over even in advancing years, had by degrees led to the decline of his fortune and the proud, fearless, self-confident millionaire had become a banker of middling rank, trembling at every rise and fall in his investments. “Cursed bet!” muttered the old man, clutching his head in despair “Why didn’t the man die? He is only forty now. He will take my last penny from me, he will marry, will enjoy life, will gamble on the Exchange; while I shall look at him with envy like a beggar, and hear from him every day the same sentence: ‘I am indebted to you for the happiness of my life, let me help you!’ No, it is too much! The one means of being saved from bankruptcy and disgrace is the death of that man!”

It struck three o’clock, the banker listened; everyone was asleep in the house and nothing could be heard outside but the rustling of the chilled trees. Trying to make no noise, he took from a fireproof safe the key of the door which had not been opened for fifteen years, put on his overcoat, and went out of the house.

It was dark and cold in the garden. Rain was falling. A damp cutting wind was racing about the garden, howling and giving the trees no rest. The banker strained his eyes, but could see neither the earth nor the white statues, nor the lodge, nor the trees. Going to the spot where the lodge stood, he twice called the watchman. No answer followed. Evidently the watchman had sought shelter from the weather, and was now asleep somewhere either in the kitchen or in the greenhouse.

“If I had the pluck to carry out my intention,” thought the old man, “Suspicion would fall first upon the watchman.”

He felt in the darkness for the steps and the door, and went into the entry of the lodge. Then he groped his way into a little passage and lighted a match. There was not a soul there. There was a bedstead with no bedding on it, and in the corner there was a dark cast-iron stove. The seals on the door leading to the prisoner’s rooms were intact.

When the match went out the old man, trembling with emotion, peeped through the little window. A candle was burning dimly in the prisoner’s room. He was sitting at the table. Nothing could be seen but his back, the hair on his head, and his hands. Open books were lying on the table, on the two easy-chairs, and on the carpet near the table.

Five minutes passed and the prisoner did not once stir. Fifteen years’ imprisonment had taught him to sit still. The banker tapped at the window with his finger, and the prisoner made no movement whatever in response. Then the banker cautiously broke the seals off the door and put the key in the keyhole. The rusty lock gave a grating sound and the door creaked. The banker expected to hear at once footsteps and a cry of astonishment, but three minutes passed and it was as quiet as ever in the room. He made up his mind to go in.

At the table a man unlike ordinary people was sitting motionless. He was a skeleton with the skin drawn tight over his bones, with long curls like a woman’s and a shaggy beard. His face was yellow with an earthy tint in it, his cheeks were hollow, his back long and narrow, and the hand on which his shaggy head was propped was so thin and delicate that it was dreadful to look at it. His hair was already streaked with silver, and seeing his emaciated, aged-looking face, no one would have believed that he was only forty. He was asleep. … In front of his bowed head there lay on the table a sheet of paper on which there was something written in fine handwriting.

“Poor creature!” thought the banker, “he is asleep and most likely dreaming of the millions. And I have only to take this half-dead man, throw him on the bed, stifle him a little with the pillow, and the most conscientious expert would find no sign of a violent death. But let us first read what he has written here. …”

The banker took the page from the table and read as follows:

“Tomorrow at twelve o’clock I regain my freedom and the right to associate with other men, but before I leave this room and see the sunshine, I think it necessary to say a few words to you. With a clear conscience I tell you, as before God, who beholds me, that I despise freedom and life and health, and all that in your books is called the good things of the world.

“For fifteen years I have been intently studying earthly life. It is true I have not seen the earth nor men, but in your books I have drunk fragrant wine, I have sung songs, I have hunted stags and wild boars in the forests, have loved women. … Beauties as ethereal as clouds, created by the magic of your poets and geniuses, have visited me at night, and have whispered in my ears wonderful tales that have set my brain in a whirl. In your books I have climbed to the peaks of Elburz and Mont Blanc, and from there I have seen the sun rise and have watched it at evening flood the sky, the ocean, and the mountaintops with gold and crimson. I have watched from there the lightning flashing over my head and cleaving the storm-clouds. I have seen green forests, fields, rivers, lakes, towns. I have heard the singing of the sirens, and the strains of the shepherds’ pipes; I have touched the wings of comely devils who flew down to converse with me of God. … In your books I have flung myself into the bottomless pit, performed miracles, slain, burned towns, preached new religions, conquered whole kingdoms. …

“Your books have given me wisdom. All that the unresting thought of man has created in the ages is compressed into a small compass in my brain. I know that I am wiser than all of you.

“And I despise your books, I despise wisdom and the blessings of this world. It is all worthless, fleeting, illusory, and deceptive, like a mirage. You may be proud, wise, and fine, but death will wipe you off the face of the earth as though you were no more than mice burrowing under the floor, and your posterity, your history, your immortal geniuses will burn or freeze together with the earthly globe.

“You have lost your reason and taken the wrong path. You have taken lies for truth, and hideousness for beauty. You would marvel if, owing to strange events of some sorts, frogs and lizards suddenly grew on apple and orange trees instead of fruit, or if roses began to smell like a sweating horse; so I marvel at you who exchange heaven for earth. I don’t want to understand you.

“To prove to you in action how I despise all that you live by, I renounce the two millions of which I once dreamed as of paradise and which now I despise. To deprive myself of the right to the money I shall go out from here five hours before the time fixed, and so break the compact. …”

When the banker had read this he laid the page on the table, kissed the strange man on the head, and went out of the lodge, weeping. At no other time, even when he had lost heavily on the Stock Exchange, had he felt so great a contempt for himself. When he got home he lay on his bed, but his tears and emotion kept him for hours from sleeping.

Next morning the watchmen ran in with pale faces, and told him they had seen the man who lived in the lodge climb out of the window into the garden, go to the gate, and disappear. The banker went at once with the servants to the lodge and made sure of the flight of his prisoner. To avoid arousing unnecessary talk, he took from the table the writing in which the millions were renounced, and when he got home locked it up in the fireproof safe.

Share your opinions in the comment section below.
submitted by akkshaikh to bookclapreviewclap [link] [comments]


2020.09.20 14:49 nelsne I am so confused with the current woman I'm dating. Help!

I have this woman I'm dating and tbh I'm getting rather fed up with her. I try to be a good man, but she's becoming quite the pill to swallow. This woman is an attractive Nigerian woman and she's very sweet, but it's like she has no communication skill skills at all.
My gf is very quiet, but and she's very peaceful but I can't figure this woman out to save my life. She is also a very religious Christian and I'm Agnostic. I enjoy an active sex life with whomever I'm dating but I try to be respectful and go at her pace. I've now been on 10 dates with her and I haven't even received as much a tongue kiss.I've taken her to theme parks, she's met my family, we've been out out to dinner, we've been to nature resorts.. you name it.
I just want to get some type of information from her. I would like to know: Where she stands on relationships? Is she so religious that she doesn't believe in sex before marriage? Is she a serial mynogomist? Is she just dating me to see how it goes? Is she looking for a husband? What's her stance on affection in a relationship?
I will admit that I tend to overanalyze things but it's getting annoying with her. She never communicates anything and I have tried to gently communicate these questions with her. Each date I ask her things like, "So did you have fun?" No matter what we do she always says, "Well the date was okay". I then say, 'Well what do you like to do"? She then responds with, " You think to much." I waited until the 5th date to try to kiss her, but all she will let me do is kiss her on the cheek. I don't even a tongue kiss. One time, things started to get get hot and heavy and I began kissing her on the neck on like the 8th date. She responded with, "Stop you're turning me on"?" Any time I try to communicate anything in even the gentlest way possible, I'm thinking too much apparently. I've asked many of friends (male and female) what they would do and everyone says she's too much of a pain in the ass to deal with. Break up with her. Advice please
submitted by nelsne to dating_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.20 04:50 MaryJaneIceLilElly83 New

Starting to believe I have Medium capabilities and powers for the first time tonight
I suppose this is an introduction post for me! Since I am brand spanking new!! Lol thank you very much for having me also!!
So I will get straight to the point I went out on a date with a very lovely and very chivalrous gentleman this evening we actually got home not in the evening.
To say the least it was far closer to the early morning LOL probably about two if not three or so in the morning to be exact, we started down my local street just gone down pretty much every day for my entire life I know the streets very well I saw it I can only describe as figures that look like the head on overly baggy street clothes on them ( well just wearing them nothing out of the ordinary at all!) the only thing out of the ordinary at all about them was they appear to me made or even sew-in together with shadows !!! Literal shadows cause it was VERY. Obviously black as the night ebony sky!, however the material was quite obviously sheer and see through !
The cloths had no real detail to them all but dual, causal , average .... maybe even sporty? Or Athletic ? ........... some I would see for only a second if not two and they moved SERIOUSLY FAST!!! Well and yet they kind of didn’t it was almost as though they were moving quite obviously beyond the speed of light but the appearance they gave in the room I was seeing them in looked as though they were casually walking either of the sidewalk or down it or down a city sidewalk for all I knew!? At a very casual leisurely pace was what the man surely of them were doing and those were the ones that I saw the most stuff they were a lot of them they only showed up in ones or twos and they usually showed up near trees would appear for maybe one or two seconds and then they would go away, there were a few that showed up in the middle of the street, That we’re obviously out jogging getting exercise some of it felt like I was watching I’m not home videos but like pre-recorded videos of a fairly good Lee populated area maybe sort of like how the Truman show was?
None of them had any defining details and stood out above any of the rest they all are pretty much the same and after probably about 10 minutes or so of watching them appear in various different places ice rink to realize they were not paying attention to me they were not looking at me so, when I noticed I was not being paid attention to I did feel a bit more but ease but not entirely!
Lmao To be very blunt about it my skin is still goosebumps and my hair is still on its hands I’m not even looking at it and I can tell that lol!!
But I do not feel as though I reacted this way because I felt is the way it was in danger.
I feel is though I reacted this way because it is a part of my brain that is opening up yet more channels two parts of my powers that I am struggling to be made aware of which I was told by my elders that this would occur as I grew more and allowed myself to grow more.
I was told never to doubt divisions that I saw whether they be from the Fay, spirits of any kind, Astro, elemental probably a lot of things I am not even remotely aware of because there’s too damn much out there LOL. And I cannot remember but I think I was also told to not show fear or if I did have fear to at least control it as much as possible and to hold on to your spirit guides when you feel afraid for their the ones that will help guide you and keep you safe and guide you back to the light!!🌞💫
Being a newbie most everything in my brain it has to do with other rooms I cannot say that I know for sure what I saw was what I think it was and of course if I was to talk to my very very conservative mother who is also very Christian upstairs she’s of course tell me that it was all in my head??!!!
I cannot in good conscience tell myself that or believe it🤐😱🤭 I might not know what it was that I saw I am personally journaling this down myself as “shadow figures “I am sure somebody here will tell me that they go buy some thing else I am most certainly sure somebody will cause there’s always somebody out there that’s smarter than me LOL until I find a book about it and read it myself lmao !!! Lol yes I am a bratty lil B🤬!
Smartbutt lol but I think my nerdy geeky brain tryin lamely to calm itself the hell down also lol I know deep in my heart my god that this was the first experience for myself as in awakening medium, starting her journey into her power or abilities I guess might be a better term to use.
And I know that I am shaky as a leaf and have goosebumps and my hair standing on age is because despite what anybody else thinks or tails me til the day I die I know that this is my first interactive well maybe not interactive but at least View into a realm of the paranormal ! I know what I saw was paranormal activity of some degree and I don’t even know that much about paranormal stuff and I didn’t feel like I had to my gut told me that it was going on at least that basic knowledge was made clear to me by not a spirit guide per se but just my inner being told me that! Do you even though I panicked pretty decently in the car with my very very decent and chivalrous brave Viking boy toy!.... mean Date lol... No I was very very glad I had somebody with me at all honesty to help me through the experience it didn’t even last that long but because it just happened out of nowhere it was frightening there is just no other word that I can think of other than scary and frightening because it was paranormal and otherworldly and I just knew that even the fact that I knew that information without a shadow of a doubt was pregame creepy to be honest ,honest!
Lol so here ya GO LOL ya gets a newly beginning awakening medium , named Sarah DeRosier, from Columbia Missouri in your field of people now! And I am a huge jumpy scared cat of things that go bump in the night !
Yet I also ironically ADORE Dark Fantasy vs Light Fantasy! Have always seen my self on days in some ways a Goth Chic, I love dark wave music , and trance ! I am played probably more hours of vampire the masquerade and werewolf the apocalypse then it’s probably healthy for a young person that was in my early 20s I spent more time playing those games that I went out to bars and drink which was probably a better choice for me in the long run anyway!
When it comes to scary movies I am more into the older stuff black-and-white 40s 50s stuff like that or things that have to do with history! I think it’s grizzly and it’s gruesome as Jack the ripper is it has absolutely fascinated me to know and since I was literally probably 14 years old which is pretty morbid for teen. So I really got into movies such as her from hell and we really really enjoyed loving Penny dreadful when it came out because of how it was all about classic horror stories like Frankenstein and all my lovely favorites!
I’m really into monster movies and creature from the Black Lagoon is my all-time favorite I actually think the Blair witch Project is hilarious and actually it’s fairly freaking creepy at times too! I mean let’s be fair the camera is going everywhere and it’s mostly like a terrible carnival ride that you feel like you’re just gonna puke everywhere from oneside finally stops. But for independent film of the 90s with what they did the storyline was actually well done the acting was horrible it might’ve been a little overdone at times but horror movies what are you expect?
I guess when it comes down to it what I like about scary movies when I actually do watch them and I’m very very choosy about the ones I watch specially nowadays because if I wanna watch something to be scared then I’ll watch it to be scared if there’s going involved I’m fine with that!
What I am not however fine with is this obsession we have found yourselves in as a nation with Goreporn! Films now! I have never seen one of these films that people classify as this I’ve heard people tell me about them I will not ever ever see one I refused you I work in Medicine I don’t actually work in Medicine right now that’s a lie I intend on working in Medicine I am planning on getting my CNA hopefully by the first of next year and intend on going to classes for pre-nursing!
So I am not planning on being a stranger to blood guts and gore but this lets just make it ALLL. About the GORE OR ALL THE TORTURING thing goes on in movies it’s just gross and not showing a good side of humanity to me! ..... well that is if we are even willing to claim any sense of humanity in the new found genres of GOREPORN AND TORTUREPORN too me personally their none to had or found! That is the work of evil enties ONLY! ( or should be ! Spiritually and realistically from my Humble Young Female Pagan/Wiccan point of view) but it’s only mine alone I tilt hope I do not offend , for I certainly don’t wish it too !!!
Just when I hear about , I guess Saw , and Hostel come first off to mind! Having not visual and physically seen them, but from my minds eye have heard the Synopsis’s.
There utterly NO scare or horror factors to these films at all! It’s basically showing human being at their worst doing their worst ! In as much greasily gore filled detail as they can cram into two to three hours they can! That’s pretty much it! Or sit back and let see how long it take you!? Or your date to puke up that $14 popcorn SHE JUST HADDDDDD TO GET TONIGHT !
No for me I like Horror! Monster! Thrillers! Old and some new as well I don’t judge all just some!!! I actually loved the hell out of the IT movie lol I own part 2 and still have yet to find bloody time sit down an see it yet !
Now you might find it odd I guess I wrap up with my darknesses of self lol and of all things opinions on horror films of yester year and present is! The reason, mentioned so was for mostly two reasons was all!
  1. Lol what I do end up reading or watching as far genre of Horror is concerned is the same most people have for something like getting on a rollercoaster, or getting in an airplane and going sky diving ! Of bungee rope jumping ! I get a kick of of having lol short bursts of adderaline rushes every now and again!! Lol not to mention, if ya have a man, or women lol yes lgbtq ppl I am gonna say you could be here too lol I mean I am a bisexual 36 myself here! Lol ! But ANYWAY!! Lol wrapping one or both ur hand about your partner , during a scary movie of any sort! Let’s them know they are loved, cared for!, safe and protected as long YOU!!! THEIR LOVER ARE THERE!!! Lol
And let me real again ppl if ANY OF US! Young , old,single or married lol whatever want some kissy time, alone time with that movie date! That’s watching Netflix with ya in the lounge! Or your gal ya just went steady with, that ya went to take to the drive to see in FULL COLOR THE BLOOB!!! In your dads priceless reliable cherry apple red corvette , lol that gonna Bomp on down the road to Blueberry Hill for kiss and steam of Windows after the film of course!
Lol well either gen either time period or gotta whee you wanted to get with whom you were with ! So in conclusion of all that I watch Horror films for their cinemagaphic enjoyment , to be scared lol for adrenaline Rush fun purposes lol, and having fun, Romantic times with your loved one or ones lol.
But if all about me a dick and touturiing someone, or all about gore and gots ans grossness and that’s it! That’s a genre but saying or horror!? Is absurd and insulting !! Personally!
I am fairly sure some you could care less about all this! I simply take note of how easily I scare , at movies , or haunted houses things like this..... mentally in my mind. Right now , because I will have to face a very even more reality is now starting for me! All the thing lol at least by faith! Lol I knew to myself personally ! To be real and true are! But now that world is letting me see it ! Observe it! And I know VERY WELL INDEED ! I am sure too probably find , I would assume a type of doorway next!?
Or if not a doorway?! That exists by its self maybe find a way to draw one up and find a way to enter SAFELY ( and I would think most importantly also be able to exit as well and go ALWAYS have access to these while in the realm of the Medium! Or paranormal whatever it be lol sorry,.....)
Cause my elder taught me away to enter into the Astral and I Think possibly Elemental realms this way! For the purposes of meeting / greeting and being taught by my own personal Spirit Guides! He also made the VERY IMPORTANT ENDING STATEMENT OF THAT LESSON BEING!
“do not stay in their world, very long it can do damage to your body and more importantly , your mind can be damaged by being HERE TOO LONG!!!” And I am going to make a safe guess that this .... rule should just be followed for any inner , realms, Multi-verse, dimensional travel , lol or Tardis, Enterprise Star Fleet Ship, or other worldly travel ships AT ALL!!! PERIOD!! AND YEAH!!! I DO THINK THEY IS EXISTS😱🤗🛸🚀🛰🛡⚔️🔮🔱
Stay in or around places human beings or well I guess for us specifically I would think! Specifically Living human beings! Should not stay in , or be close or near by too! For too very long!! Just not Healthy for us! In a long term use anyway! I mean all of we can use and learn from and grow from! But this is not our home! And OFTEN WE CAN OFTEN BE ANYTHING! PREY, VICTEM, .... LIKE I SAID ANYTHING COULD BE THERE !!! GOOD OR BAD!!! Which is why I am here looking for new friends guidance !!! Of any type !!! Books, other groups!
I am just scared and afraid right now! But also excited as well! And am trying lol as best I can lol not sure how it’s goin to be honest.......... lmao But I am tryin VERY, VERY, VERY HARD TO BE BRAVE OF THIS NEW DARK (Shadowy) Unknown!
submitted by MaryJaneIceLilElly83 to mediums2 [link] [comments]


2020.09.19 07:37 conquerorofnothing Polyamory reveals problems that monogamy would have kept buried

My heart is absolutely shattered. There is a gaping hole there now that I don't know will ever fully heal. This is a long emotional post, but I just need to share this with a community that can understand, and maybe offer some support and perspective. Honestly, this was just cathartic for me to write.
My wife and I decided to start exploring polyam almost two years ago now. We married in 2011 when we were both 23-years-old. From 2012 through 2017, we gradually deconverted and deconstructed our fundamentalist Christian religious beliefs that we had been raised with and held our entire lives. It was a long and painful process, because we were in deep.
Once we had deconstructed our religious beliefs, it opened us up to thinking about things we never had before. And as a result, in 2018, my wife began to realize that she was bisexual. We talked about the fact how she had never gotten a chance to explore that, and how unfair that was due to how we were raised and her not realizing that side of her sexuality before we married. After some thought, I told her that I was totally cool with and open to her pursuing romantic and sexual relationships with women.
From there, we continued to have deep conversations on sexuality as we continued to deconstruct everything we had been taught and conditioned during our lives while we were evangelical/fundamentalist Christian. I did a lot of reading about bisexuality, polyamory, and sexuality in general. "Sex at Dawn" had a big influence on me (though I didn't read all of it). I ended up realizing that if I were cool with her pursuing experiences with women, why not also men? I didn't own her. She was her own person, and she should be free to express her sexuality however she chose. It made sense to both of us, and she said I should have the same freedom.
Through all this, however, she questioned just exactly how sexual she was as a person. We had sex maybe once a week, sometimes every 1.5 to 2 weeks. She wondered if maybe she were on the asexual spectrum, and so did I. The question of whether she was also just more into women than men was also raised.
All that took place over 2018 and the early part of 2019. In 2019, she fooled around with a couple people, male and female, but their activities didn't involve intercourse. I mostly just flirted with people at the time. Polyam was more hypothetical for us at this point.
In the fall of 2019, my wife started therapy for a number of reasons, but mostly because everyone needs therapy. It was with a polyam-friendly therapist, and that therapist did bring me in for a number of sessions, so that we could discuss our own sexual relationship in an attempt to improve it. We had both grown up in evangelical purity culture, and it had given us the wrong kind of foundation for our sexual relationship. The therapy did help both us in our sex life, and after doing the work the therapist laid out for us, we began to have sex more often, and it was also much better sex than we had ever had in the past.
After that brief amount of couple's therapy, we continued having good sex roughly every week for basically all this year (2020). I also ended up sparking a connection with a woman, and we ended up sleeping together this summer. My wife had some feels over it, because it was the first person I had slept with besides her, but she was happy for me.
At the same time, my wife met a guy this summer that she liked a lot, and she ended up creating a connection with him. They started talking and hung out a few times, but nothing more than makeouts happened. He was from out-of-state, but they continued talking when he left. Eventually, they made plans for her to visit him (with my enthusiastic encouragement for her).
She went to visit him just this past weekend, and I took a few days off work to watch the kids (we have two young children) while she was gone. She was excited, I was excited. It was a big step for her, but a really good one.
But I wasn't prepared for what that weekend would reveal for our relationship.
When she got back, I was really happy for her, and proud of her for the step she had taken. This guy was only the second person she had ever had full-blown intercourse with. Yet as we were debriefing her weekend, and how it went for her, some things spontaneously dawned on me that shed light on our own sexual relationship. Things that maybe I knew in a deep part of my psyche, but had built up walls around for my own protection.
My wife told me that she and her friend had a lot of sex this past weekend. Multiple times a day, each day. She herself initiated many of the encounters.
In the course of our marriage, which is nine years now, I can count on one hand the number of times where my wife and I have had sex multiple times a day. I can also count on one hand the number of times where my wife actually initiated sex with me herself, instead of me initiating (and of those times where she initiated, they were all times where she felt I could benefit from having sex, but she wasn't necessarily really interested herself).
In the early days of our marriage (we didn't have intercourse before marriage), we tended to have sex maybe once every few days or so, if that. We weren't having it multiple times a day, either. I initiated, and not every time I tried was successful.
Based on our sex life, we both thought maybe my wife was possibly somewhat ace/asexual. Or maybe she had low libido. Or she was just more interested in women.
But all those thoughts were wrong. She's not on the asexual spectrum. She doesn't have low libido. She's definitely interested in men.
She's just...not sexually attracted to me.
Her experiences this past weekend made things clear for both of us. She realized she's never been sexually attracted to me, even when we were dating. It's always been purely emotional for her apparently.
It honestly explains so much about our marriage.
We don't blame each other for any of it, though. How could we have known? I was the first person she ever kissed, and we were both each other's first real serious relationship. Neither of us knew anything about sex. And she had been led to believe that sexual attraction came after the wedding vows, that God basically turned it "on" after you were husband and wife. Which is absolutely fucked.
So she's never wanted me sexually. She said she is romantically attracted to me (and has been the whole time, including dating), and she said that she does find me pleasing to look at (she called it aesthetic attraction)...but she's just not sexually attracted to me. To be honest, that doesn't make any sense to me. I don't know she can be both romantically and aesthetically attracted to me, but not sexually.
We are each other's best friends. We have a wonderful life together (including our two children). We can talk about anything, and we are each other's constant source of support and love. We have such an incredibly deep emotional bond that others have said they want what we have. We even survived deconstructing our religious beliefs together, and came out of it even stronger. Literally everything about relationship is great, except for this.
It hurts so much. I feel hollow, like the color has gone out from the world. When I look at her, it feels like I don't see the same person anymore. I instead see someone who looks like my wife, but is someone I know isn't attracted to me and doesn't love me the same way I do her. I feel like someone has died. I feel sick.
I am destroyed. I've been really struggling this week. Panic attacks, crying, dark thoughts. I don't want to live this reality. I'm not legitimately considering ending my life. I may fantasize about it, I may not want to live anymore, but I need to be there for my children and for her.
But the pain is just so much. I haven't felt this way since my dad passed away, and I might actually feel worse now than I did at that time. I just keep thinking about how I'll never experience a full connection with my wife. The woman I've loved for the past 10 years, my soulmate, doesn't feel the same way about me as I do her. My life feels like a lie.
I know some of that might be toxic monogamy. No one can be everything for their partner. But it doesn't change how much it fucking. HURTS.
It doesn't hurt that she had sex with someone else. I'm not jealous, I wanted that for her. I'm happy for her. I want her to be as fulfilled as possible in every way as a person. I'm just so broken over the fact that she never has and never will desire me like that. She can look at that friend from this past weekend and think, "I want to fuck him." But she's never thought that about me, and never will.
All the excuses I had in my head, that she maybe was asexual, or had low libido, or was just more into women, are all gone now. The illusions are shattered. The mental walls that I must have built in my mind to protect myself have been torn down. All I'm left with is the hard, bitter truth that my wife doesn't feel about me the way I do about her. That any sexual intimacy we have is one-sided—I desire her, but she doesn't desire me.
I honestly don't understand how she's ever had sex with me, at all, if she's not sexually attracted to me. It's so confusing. We've had frequent good sex all this year (we've had good sex in years prior, too, but the brief couple's therapy in late 2019 helped to make good sex happen more often). I've been able to bring her to climax since the early days of our marriage (she doesn't fake it, and she wouldn't lie). She says that enjoys having sex with me, but I don't understand how that's possible if she's not sexually attracted to me. On the other side of the spectrum, there are and have been plenty of times over the course of our marriage where things might be heading in a sexual direction, but she shuts it down.
I want to stay with her, she's still my best friend and my primary life partner. We both love each other so goddamn much. I want to make this work. She said she does, too. She said her therapist has even told her that we have an emotionally-based sex life, so she essentially already knew that she no sexual attraction to me. It's just this past weekend removed the illusions for me.
I don't regret polyamory. I think it's probably what we both needed in the long run. But if we had stayed monogamous, these issues would maybe have remained buried.
We're planning on going to sex therapy, but I don't know how it will fix anything. You can't create sexual attraction if it's not already there. My wife said she doesn't find anything wrong with me. She says she thinks I'm good-looking, but she's just not sexually attracted to me. She can't give any specific reason. And on the flip side, even though I desire her, I don't want to have sex with her right now, because it would just make me feel gross, due to the knowledge that it's one-sided, that I desire her but not the other way around.
It all just seems like some kind of bad dream. It's a cruel joke of the universe that we could have an amazing connection in every way but this.
I could go on, but I would just be repeating myself. I just had to get this off my chest. Thank you.
submitted by conquerorofnothing to polyamory [link] [comments]


2020.09.18 14:01 softflannel Newly-out lesbian (32) unsure about the future with gf (23)

I've just spent several hours reading through posts to see if I could find something relatable, but nothing felt quite right, so I'm making my own request for insight.
I had reservations from the beginning about dating someone in their early 20s. I know young people can be exceptional, accomplished, and thoughtful. But, I changed so much between ages 20-30, and I think most people experience the greatest transformations in their fundamental selves during this time.
This is a long post, so TL;DR: I love my gf, and many things are great, but I feel like I'm missing something that I need, and I think it's because of our age gap.
My Backstory:
While I was busy doing all of the things I was always doing (working internationally, graduate school, etc), I failed to realize that my disinterest in sex with my husband was because I was actually a lesbian and never going to find men particularly interesting in that way. I ended my loving, if sexually challenged, marriage and moved in with my sister. For a timeline, I came out to my husband in June of this year, moved in with my sister towards the end of that month, and randomly met the girl who became my gf less than a week after moving.
I had a gf for a few months in high school, but we didn't make it past kissing because I was coming off a lot of post-Christianity hangups over physical intimacy. I thought our relationship failed because I wasn't actually gay since I didn't try to have sex with my gf. It didn't help that she told me precisely that and I, without other queer friends or community, decided to believe her. So, my current gf is my first real, genuine, self-actualized relationship with a woman, and it has been the fucking bomb.
Everything feels so easy. I feel emotionally close to her (something I struggled with with my husband despite being best friends). She is smart, smokin' hot, and a good communicator. I always considered myself to have a high libido until I got married and then it tanked. Well, the libido is back, back, back with phenomenal force. Turns out it makes a difference to be with a matched orientation partner. Go figure.
We've been together for a couple months now, and while everything is going well in many regards and feels effortless in areas I'm used to feeling anxious over, I feel like something's missing. The only thing I can think of as an explanation is our age gap. I feel like our stages are fairly miss-matched. She dropped out of college during her second year (no judgement as I also dropped out for a few years), she was raised in the Mormon church while being queer which gave her some nice trauma to work through, and she is figuring out what she wants to do with her future. As for me, I just graduated with an advanced degree in health care, I was living as a repressed lesbian for decades and was married almost 10 years, and I have already done the lion's share of working through my childhood trauma (you're never done).
In case you're unaware, lesbians have a reputation for moving very quickly in their relationships. I thought it was a bogus generalization, but I didn't make the rules, and when we both admitted to loving each other during our first month together it felt fast and terrifying and true.
I'll make some categories and bullet points to explain my dilemma.
Good:
Worries:
I have talked to my gf about my concerns, and she thinks we have something special that's worth fighting for. I'm just not sure. I don't feel like anything is wrong, per se, just that something is missing. I don't feel confident in our relationship. But I don't know if that's because I have unrealistic standards. I don't want to throw away something that is really wonderful in many regards, but I'm uncomfortable that I'm having these concerns after only 2 months together. And, frankly, I didn't end a marriage that was in many ways fulfilling so that I could get into another relationship that was missing something I need.
I feel like it will be hard to meet someone who I would consider "the whole package" because my dating pool is much smaller than for hetero couples, but I also don't want to stop looking. And if I have found that person in my current gf, I don't want to throw her away because I just don't have good perspective. I love her, I miss her when we're apart, but I know that you need more than love. And to be clear, she doesn't think I'm perfect or anything; but she does think we're LTR material.
If we break up, the ideal I would have for my next partner would be someone who is more experienced with life, established in their career and their sense of self, and who challenges me and helps me grow the same as I do for them. And great sex, naturally. I feel like if I met my gf 3-5 years from now, she might be that person. But I don't know what that means for what I should do now. :(
Thanks for reading all of this, and I appreciate any insight and advice.
submitted by softflannel to AgeGap [link] [comments]


2020.09.18 09:16 Foddy245859 Agnostic (25 M) dating a Christian (22 F)

I met this girl who is absolutely amazing and beautiful, ticks all the boxes so to speak, bar one. The catch is that is she very much Christian, and I do not ever see myself following that path as I do not need or want it.
We've just passed our second date, kissed, and had the chat about what her intetions are and her expectations torwards a relationship given the religious factor.
She is no sex before marriage, where I find that intamcy is super important in a relationship. I've dated a lot of girls and had two fully committed relationships in the past and physical touch and sexual attraction was foundations of both those. She agrees that it would be the foundation of hers, however says the duty she must do (abstain) "really sucks" and is super unfortunate when it comes to dating an agnostic like me. She said that she is really resisting it.
She wants to continue to see me, however, I am at a point in my life where I want to find my life partner. I also am put off the fact that she cannot make her own decisions and that her emotions and biological make up are controlled by god's path that she must follow (Christian's reading this please alter my perspective here if necessary).
Some of my friends say that she may snap out of it, and that I might become a greater priority than her relationship with god.
I like her a lot, and she likes me, if I were to cut it off now I know we'd both feel hurt/sorrow and it just feels sucky I would have to do that. If I were to ride it out, I have a big compromise to make until marriage, but also and beyond (kids, church, etc.). It's during that time I would hope she would eventually move away from religion, but I would say she'd be in the mindset that I would eventually move into it.
Would it be best for both of us to cut it off earlier, or ride it out and see what develops? Anyone had a similar experience that proved successful or unsuccessful?
EDIT 1: We spoke on the phone and we cut our losses. Both disappointed but both glad we were mature enough to have a mutual understanding.
EDIT 2: physical touch and sexual attraction was ONE* of the the core foundations to relationships.
EDIT 3: I am not saying Church is wrong. Church is just not for me.
submitted by Foddy245859 to dating_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.18 08:53 JEG-MaL-82 I (16M) have had a bad experience my early high school and late middle school years

 I don’t think I’m old enough to talk with all of you. I mean I can barely drive on my own (I do actually have my license). Sorry off topic, I had a “girlfriend” even though I wouldn’t call it dating because I mean it’s middle school. But it had basically everything from saying I love you to each other to even the cute little names. Now the first year of this was AWESOME!!! I mean she was funny and great, this began to change with time. She started telling me things like “you don’t deserve me” and told me that she would be dating other people, of course knowing this is like 8th grade they didn’t like her the same way I did. So she came back to me a lot, this was getting normal for me even though I have bad jealousy out every hole in my body. But wait there’s more to this, this sweet christian girl I knew and went to church with had things I didn’t know. She had many personalities (which I will talk about if I can even remember this) and fantasies about me and her to the point that I get scared around her a year after we have broken up. It’s been two more years (I’ve spent 3 of my 15-16 years of life with her) and things start to escalate. She start telling people I was a no one and literally kissing other people (yeah this is really showing my 16y.o. relationships). I don’t think I brought this up but I have explosive anger issues, to the point where I basically black out and like wake up with no idea with what happened. It went dark and next thing I remember I get called into the office at school. I have the biggest headache I’ve ever had, and when I talk to the principal I realize what I did. I had gotten so angry that I literally SLAMMED MY HEAD INTO A LOCKER! All because I got angry over her. This eventually ends with us breaking up, or if I want to be truthful her leaving me for a senior that we both knew and went to our church. It’s not the most dramatic relationship but I hope I get someone to snap out of something they think is the normal. About that personality stuff, maybe some other time if this thing blows up or something idk. I’m not one for adding on to stories. So TL:DR I get angry over 3 year relationship and slam forehead into locker in blind rage. That’s about it. 
submitted by JEG-MaL-82 to relationships [link] [comments]


2020.09.17 14:54 MaryJaneIceLilElly83 Starting to believe I have Medium capabilities and powers for the first time tonight

I suppose this is an introduction post for me! Since I am brand spanking new!! Lol thank you very much for having me also!!
So I will get straight to the point I went out on a date with a very lovely and very chivalrous gentleman this evening we actually got home not in the evening.
To say the least it was far closer to the early morning LOL probably about two if not three or so in the morning to be exact, we started down my local street just gone down pretty much every day for my entire life I know the streets very well I saw it I can only describe as figures that look like the head on overly baggy street clothes on them ( well just wearing them nothing out of the ordinary at all!) the only thing out of the ordinary at all about them was they appear to me made or even sew-in together with shadows !!! Literal shadows cause it was VERY. Obviously black as the night ebony sky!, however the material was quite obviously sheer and see through !
The cloths had no real detail to them all but dual, causal , average .... maybe even sporty? Or Athletic ? ........... some I would see for only a second if not two and they moved SERIOUSLY FAST!!! Well and yet they kind of didn’t it was almost as though they were moving quite obviously beyond the speed of light but the appearance they gave in the room I was seeing them in looked as though they were casually walking either of the sidewalk or down it or down a city sidewalk for all I knew!? At a very casual leisurely pace was what the man surely of them were doing and those were the ones that I saw the most stuff they were a lot of them they only showed up in ones or twos and they usually showed up near trees would appear for maybe one or two seconds and then they would go away, there were a few that showed up in the middle of the street, That we’re obviously out jogging getting exercise some of it felt like I was watching I’m not home videos but like pre-recorded videos of a fairly good Lee populated area maybe sort of like how the Truman show was?
None of them had any defining details and stood out above any of the rest they all are pretty much the same and after probably about 10 minutes or so of watching them appear in various different places ice rink to realize they were not paying attention to me they were not looking at me so, when I noticed I was not being paid attention to I did feel a bit more but ease but not entirely!
Lmao To be very blunt about it my skin is still goosebumps and my hair is still on its hands I’m not even looking at it and I can tell that lol!!
But I do not feel as though I reacted this way because I felt is the way it was in danger.
I feel is though I reacted this way because it is a part of my brain that is opening up yet more channels two parts of my powers that I am struggling to be made aware of which I was told by my elders that this would occur as I grew more and allowed myself to grow more.
I was told never to doubt divisions that I saw whether they be from the Fay, spirits of any kind, Astro, elemental probably a lot of things I am not even remotely aware of because there’s too damn much out there LOL. And I cannot remember but I think I was also told to not show fear or if I did have fear to at least control it as much as possible and to hold on to your spirit guides when you feel afraid for their the ones that will help guide you and keep you safe and guide you back to the light!!🌞💫
Being a newbie most everything in my brain it has to do with other rooms I cannot say that I know for sure what I saw was what I think it was and of course if I was to talk to my very very conservative mother who is also very Christian upstairs she’s of course tell me that it was all in my head??!!!
I cannot in good conscience tell myself that or believe it🤐😱🤭 I might not know what it was that I saw I am personally journaling this down myself as “shadow figures “I am sure somebody here will tell me that they go buy some thing else I am most certainly sure somebody will cause there’s always somebody out there that’s smarter than me LOL until I find a book about it and read it myself lmao !!! Lol yes I am a bratty lil B🤬!
Smartbutt lol but I think my nerdy geeky brain tryin lamely to calm itself the hell down also lol I know deep in my heart my god that this was the first experience for myself as in awakening medium, starting her journey into her power or abilities I guess might be a better term to use.
And I know that I am shaky as a leaf and have goosebumps and my hair standing on age is because despite what anybody else thinks or tails me til the day I die I know that this is my first interactive well maybe not interactive but at least View into a realm of the paranormal ! I know what I saw was paranormal activity of some degree and I don’t even know that much about paranormal stuff and I didn’t feel like I had to my gut told me that it was going on at least that basic knowledge was made clear to me by not a spirit guide per se but just my inner being told me that! Do you even though I panicked pretty decently in the car with my very very decent and chivalrous brave Viking boy toy!.... mean Date lol... No I was very very glad I had somebody with me at all honesty to help me through the experience it didn’t even last that long but because it just happened out of nowhere it was frightening there is just no other word that I can think of other than scary and frightening because it was paranormal and otherworldly and I just knew that even the fact that I knew that information without a shadow of a doubt was pregame creepy to be honest ,honest!
Lol so here ya GO LOL ya gets a newly beginning awakening medium , named Sarah DeRosier, from Columbia Missouri in your field of people now! And I am a huge jumpy scared cat of things that go bump in the night !
Yet I also ironically ADORE Dark Fantasy vs Light Fantasy! Have always seen my self on days in some ways a Goth Chic, I love dark wave music , and trance ! I am played probably more hours of vampire the masquerade and werewolf the apocalypse then it’s probably healthy for a young person that was in my early 20s I spent more time playing those games that I went out to bars and drink which was probably a better choice for me in the long run anyway!
When it comes to scary movies I am more into the older stuff black-and-white 40s 50s stuff like that or things that have to do with history! I think it’s grizzly and it’s gruesome as Jack the ripper is it has absolutely fascinated me to know and since I was literally probably 14 years old which is pretty morbid for teen. So I really got into movies such as her from hell and we really really enjoyed loving Penny dreadful when it came out because of how it was all about classic horror stories like Frankenstein and all my lovely favorites!
I’m really into monster movies and creature from the Black Lagoon is my all-time favorite I actually think the Blair witch Project is hilarious and actually it’s fairly freaking creepy at times too! I mean let’s be fair the camera is going everywhere and it’s mostly like a terrible carnival ride that you feel like you’re just gonna puke everywhere from oneside finally stops. But for independent film of the 90s with what they did the storyline was actually well done the acting was horrible it might’ve been a little overdone at times but horror movies what are you expect?
I guess when it comes down to it what I like about scary movies when I actually do watch them and I’m very very choosy about the ones I watch specially nowadays because if I wanna watch something to be scared then I’ll watch it to be scared if there’s going involved I’m fine with that!
What I am not however fine with is this obsession we have found yourselves in as a nation with Goreporn! Films now! I have never seen one of these films that people classify as this I’ve heard people tell me about them I will not ever ever see one I refused you I work in Medicine I don’t actually work in Medicine right now that’s a lie I intend on working in Medicine I am planning on getting my CNA hopefully by the first of next year and intend on going to classes for pre-nursing!
So I am not planning on being a stranger to blood guts and gore but this lets just make it ALLL. About the GORE OR ALL THE TORTURING thing goes on in movies it’s just gross and not showing a good side of humanity to me! ..... well that is if we are even willing to claim any sense of humanity in the new found genres of GOREPORN AND TORTUREPORN too me personally their none to had or found! That is the work of evil enties ONLY! ( or should be ! Spiritually and realistically from my Humble Young Female Pagan/Wiccan point of view) but it’s only mine alone I tilt hope I do not offend , for I certainly don’t wish it too !!!
Just when I hear about , I guess Saw , and Hostel come first off to mind! Having not visual and physically seen them, but from my minds eye have heard the Synopsis’s.
There utterly NO scare or horror factors to these films at all! It’s basically showing human being at their worst doing their worst ! In as much greasily gore filled detail as they can cram into two to three hours they can! That’s pretty much it! Or sit back and let see how long it take you!? Or your date to puke up that $14 popcorn SHE JUST HADDDDDD TO GET TONIGHT !
No for me I like Horror! Monster! Thrillers! Old and some new as well I don’t judge all just some!!! I actually loved the hell out of the IT movie lol I own part 2 and still have yet to find bloody time sit down an see it yet !
Now you might find it odd I guess I wrap up with my darknesses of self lol and of all things opinions on horror films of yester year and present is! The reason, mentioned so was for mostly two reasons was all!
  1. Lol what I do end up reading or watching as far genre of Horror is concerned is the same most people have for something like getting on a rollercoaster, or getting in an airplane and going sky diving ! Of bungee rope jumping ! I get a kick of of having lol short bursts of adderaline rushes every now and again!! Lol not to mention, if ya have a man, or women lol yes lgbtq ppl I am gonna say you could be here too lol I mean I am a bisexual 36 myself here! Lol ! But ANYWAY!! Lol wrapping one or both ur hand about your partner , during a scary movie of any sort! Let’s them know they are loved, cared for!, safe and protected as long YOU!!! THEIR LOVER ARE THERE!!! Lol
And let me real again ppl if ANY OF US! Young , old,single or married lol whatever want some kissy time, alone time with that movie date! That’s watching Netflix with ya in the lounge! Or your gal ya just went steady with, that ya went to take to the drive to see in FULL COLOR THE BLOOB!!! In your dads priceless reliable cherry apple red corvette , lol that gonna Bomp on down the road to Blueberry Hill for kiss and steam of Windows after the film of course!
Lol well either gen either time period or gotta whee you wanted to get with whom you were with ! So in conclusion of all that I watch Horror films for their cinemagaphic enjoyment , to be scared lol for adrenaline Rush fun purposes lol, and having fun, Romantic times with your loved one or ones lol.
But if all about me a dick and touturiing someone, or all about gore and gots ans grossness and that’s it! That’s a genre but saying or horror!? Is absurd and insulting !! Personally!
I am fairly sure some you could care less about all this! I simply take note of how easily I scare , at movies , or haunted houses things like this..... mentally in my mind. Right now , because I will have to face a very even more reality is now starting for me! All the thing lol at least by faith! Lol I knew to myself personally ! To be real and true are! But now that world is letting me see it ! Observe it! And I know VERY WELL INDEED ! I am sure too probably find , I would assume a type of doorway next!?
Or if not a doorway?! That exists by its self maybe find a way to draw one up and find a way to enter SAFELY ( and I would think most importantly also be able to exit as well and go ALWAYS have access to these while in the realm of the Medium! Or paranormal whatever it be lol sorry,.....)
Cause my elder taught me away to enter into the Astral and I Think possibly Elemental realms this way! For the purposes of meeting / greeting and being taught by my own personal Spirit Guides! He also made the VERY IMPORTANT ENDING STATEMENT OF THAT LESSON BEING!
“do not stay in their world, very long it can do damage to your body and more importantly , your mind can be damaged by being HERE TOO LONG!!!” And I am going to make a safe guess that this .... rule should just be followed for any inner , realms, Multi-verse, dimensional travel , lol or Tardis, Enterprise Star Fleet Ship, or other worldly travel ships AT ALL!!! PERIOD!! AND YEAH!!! I DO THINK THEY IS EXISTS😱🤗🛸🚀🛰🛡⚔️🔮🔱
Stay in or around places human beings or well I guess for us specifically I would think! Specifically Living human beings! Should not stay in , or be close or near by too! For too very long!! Just not Healthy for us! In a long term use anyway! I mean all of we can use and learn from and grow from! But this is not our home! And OFTEN WE CAN OFTEN BE ANYTHING! PREY, VICTEM, .... LIKE I SAID ANYTHING COULD BE THERE !!! GOOD OR BAD!!! Which is why I am here looking for new friends guidance !!! Of any type !!! Books, other groups!
I am just scared and afraid right now! But also excited as well! And am trying lol as best I can lol not sure how it’s goin to be honest.......... lmao But I am tryin VERY, VERY, VERY HARD TO BE BRAVE OF THIS NEW DARK (Shadowy) Unknown!
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2020.09.17 00:25 anze35 I kind of broke up with my gf, need advice

Hello i am writting to present my story. I was dating my gf for one year now. There was always miss understanding between us and as she isn t religeous I always hoped she would eventually became one one day. I explained her my feelings and said that it is for the best we break up. She agreed on my suggestions that we wouldnt be happy together cause we have different moral looks as well as believes.. The real thing that i was thinking of breaking up was that she doesnt believe in God and she wants her children to decide for themselves what to believe. She is a non believer for whom i cought feelings. So we decided to be friends. It is kind of awkward not to kiss and stuff. I don t know what to do. I can still change in order to be with her but i doubt she will. I want a christian familly. Overall i need your advice. How to get over her as i am attached and kind of the only reason i believe we wouldn t work out is the faith in God as she is a non believer. I still love her and it is hard to let her go, what should i do. I need to know hot to get over her or how to insist in this relationship. We already talked that we will break up but we didnt do it yet. Somehow i think it is the best. It is just hard to let someone you still love go because of different looks on the faith and world.
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2020.09.16 20:27 MikkiWyn Working through gaps without making things up or over analyzing (Content warning: mentions of abuse and questions about CSA)

I hope this is ok to post and not taking up space somewhere I don’t belong. I don’t have any memories but I’ve always had questions and lately had some new facts come to light that are really disturbing me...
A lot of my childhood has missing blanks and pieces in it. Things I have slowly been seeing in a new light and remembering more and more of over the past couple of years. I’ve come to realize my mom is a narcissist or at least very much with those tendencies, as well as being anxious and controlling. Unpacking how much of what went on was probably emotionally abusive and neglectful, as well as “mild” physical abuse has been REALLY hard to come to terms with.
That’s never fully explained everything to me though. And here is where the TMI starts.
-I was chronically masturbating from a very young age and continued it consistently until I was a young adult. I grew up in a sheltered christian environment so I didn’t even have the term for what I was doing. Never penetrating though, just kind of obsessively at night doing it.
-From about 6 and up I had super violent fantasies. I’ve kind of realized some of what I thought was just “I have a big imagination” was probably dissociative—- I was trying to always be different characters in my head and didn’t want to be present with what was around me. This also continued long past an age appropriate range and I was often spaced out lost in a fantasy world. This almost always involved being beaten/tortured and eventually rape and almost BDSM type fantasies before I knew what that term was.
-I still struggle as a married (30s, F) adult to be able to have sex without aspects of violence or domination, and I don’t think it’s just a kink particularly because I don’t think I always WANT to play at it. I just can’t get aroused otherwise and honestly rely on alcohol most of the time. It’s really frustrating.
-I can’t stand kissing of any kind and never have. It repulses me completely. Especially if I feel like I am being held and can’t move, I get a flash of panic and have to jerk away. I also can’t handle being touched in my genital area even in a loving respectful context. I tense up and just can’t handle it at all.
-Trying to use a tampon the first time sent me into basically a panic attack as a teen. I still can’t feel comfortable using one. I’ve had children. It can’t be a physical reason. I just can not relax around touching or inserting anything.
I’ve recently had what I’ve learned to identify as a flashback episode ( I have cptsd from all the emotional trauma growing up) dealing with some unusual spotting this cycle. I remembered my childhood medical records mentioned something about it and I went back to look.
I saw a doctor over two different months, at age 10-11, for vaginal spotting and later a nasty infection. They chalked the spotting up to being about to start my period (I didn’t until I was 13!) There is a note that they asked about sexual abuse, my mom denied it, and no record indicating any testing?
Here is what freaks me out though. Those same two month windows where I had that going on? We were staying at my grandmas house, mom incapacitated recovering from surgery. And in that home lived a known molester. (Grandma’s brother) When I was asking mom recently about the dates we were down there after her surgeries (not telling why I was asking) she asked why I wanted to know, and if I thought anything happened? And revealed that she had been molested by him as a kid. I about had a panic attack and couldn’t breath when she said he had held her down and forced a kiss and tried to grope her before she kicked him away. The same specific kind of behavior that freaks me out and always has. She mentioned she thinks he went further with two of her cousins but they won’t speak of it so I don’t know what happened and it isn’t my business to try and pry into someone else’s trauma.
But... I’m really struggling to process this. The circumstantial evidence all kind of lines up weird but... it isn’t proof. There was a lot of stress around moms illness and I was pretty well neglected so maybe stress had something to do with the physical symptoms? I don’t know what to think. Something about it really unsettled me and has triggered a couple of emotional flashbacks of intense fear and tension without any kind of real memory. I have almost no memories of that summer to begin with.
Does this sound like I am trying too hard to try and construct a story or make something up? I don’t at ALL want to be attention seeking or come across trying to play a victim when I’m not. I’m just so freaking confused and upset and don’t know what to think. Leave it alone and assume a simpler explanation? Does it sound crazy/over dramatic to be worried something happened?
submitted by MikkiWyn to adultsurvivors [link] [comments]


2020.09.16 19:40 RebornInLife Prophecies of Quetzelcoatl

Prophecies of Quetzelcoatl
Hundreds of North and South American Indian and South Pacific legends tell of a white-skinned, bearded lord who traveled among the many tribes to bring peace about 2,000 years ago. This spiritual hero was best known as Quetzelcoatl.

https://preview.redd.it/jgrb3aboqjn51.png?width=200&format=png&auto=webp&s=ed57b1c48bcfd2e79bb9a594494de30636441903
Some of his many other names were:
Kate-Zahl (Toltec), Kul-kul-kan (Maya), Tah-co-mah (NW America), Waicomak (Dakota), Wakea (Cheyenne, Hawaiian and Polynesian), Waikano (Orinoco), Hurakan, the Mighty Mexico, E-See-Co-Wah (Lord of Wind and Water), Chee-Zoos, the Dawn God (Puan, Mississippi), Hea-Wah-Sah (Seneca), Taiowa, Ahunt Azoma, E-See-Cotl (New Guinea), Itza-Matul (Yucatan), Zac-Mutul (Mayan), Wakon-Tah (Navajo), Wakona (Algonquin), etc..(2)
When he left the Toltecs and sailed away to the East, Kate-Zahl promised to return to them after several cycles of their calendar. He made a prophecy about the destiny of the sacred city Tula (now identified with Teotihuacan in Mexico) through two millennia.
The Toltecs would be conquered first by the Sacrificers of Men (the Aztecs), then by white-skinned, bearded men of the East carrying fatal “thunder-rods” - the Spaniards and their guns:
"Further off there is another invasion. In ships many bearded men are coming from across the Sunrise Ocean... I see these men taking the Broad Land... They do not respect our trees of cedar. They are but hungry, unenlightened children... "Would that I could speak to these bearded farmers. I have tried. They do not hear me. They go on their way like spoiled children... "Stand with me in the Year of Te-Tac-patl. Look across the Sunrise Ocean. Three ships come like great birds flying. They land. Out come men in metal garments, carrying rods which speak with thunder and kill at a distance. These men are bearded and pale of feature. "They come ashore and I see them kneeling. Above them I see a Great Cross standing. That is well. If these men are true to the symbol they carry, you need have no fear of them, for no one who is true to that symbol will ever carry it into battle. "Therefore hold aloft your Great Cross (T), and go forth to meet them. They cannot fail to know that symbol, and would not fire their rods upon it, nor upon those who stand in its shadow. Well they know that what is done to my people is done also to me. "When the years have come to their full binding, the metal-tipped boots of the strangers will be heard in all the bloody temples. Then throughout the Broad Land has begun the Third Cycle. As yet, I cannot see beyond it. "Once I had great hope for these people, for I saw them kneel and kiss the sweet earth, and I saw the shadow of the Great Cross which they carried with them. Now I must warn you against them. "Carry your great books into the jungles. Place your histories deeply in caverns where none of these men can find them. Nor do you bring them back to the sunlight until the War-Cycle is over. For these bearded strangers are the children of War. They speak my precepts, but their ears do not listen. They have but one love and that is for weapons. Ever more horrible are these weapons, until they reach for the one which is ultimate. Should they use that, there will be no forgiveness in that vale where there is no turning. Using such a weapon to make man over, is reaching into the heavens for the Godhead. These things are not for man’s decision, nor should man presume to think for all things, and thus mock the Almighty. Woe to those who do not listen! There are lamps beyond that which you are burning; roads beyond this which you are treading; worlds beyond the one you are seeing. Be humble before the might of the Great Hand which guides the stars within their places. There are many lodges within my Father’s Kingdom for it is more vast than time, and more eternal. "Keep hidden your books, my children, all during the Cycle of Warring Strangers. The day will come when they will be precious. "For five full Cycles of the Dawn Star, the rule of the Warring Strangers will go on to greater and greater destruction. Hearken well to all I have taught you. Do not return to the Sacrificers. Their path leads to the last Destruction. Know that the end will come in five full cycles, for five, the difference between the Earth’s number and that of the Gleaming Dawn Star, is the number of these children of War. As a sign to you that the end is nearing, my Father’s Temple will be uncovered. Remember this in the days which are coming."
Tula-Teotihuacan was found and excavated by archaeologists only in recent years.
In another prophecy, Kate-Zahl described the city as it will be rebuilt in the future:
"Then the heavens spoke in a crash of thunder, and the lightning flashed above the valley. The Man turned to look again on Tula, his most beloved city. Behold! It was naught but a mass of rubble. "He wept there with great sorrow. He clung to the rocks, staring back toward Tula. Then the heavens roared again and shook the mountain. A flash of light struck beside Him and cracked the darkness. Behold! The old heaven and earth were vanished, and He looked into another cycle. "The heavens parted and a rising sun shone down on another Tula. Plainly he could see the valley, but the city was one He knew not. Magnificent was this Golden Tula! "The Man was lifted beyond the earth. No longer He saw the Age of Destruction. Gone was the horrible Age of Warfare. He was looking beyond the Age of Carnage! "Walk with me through this Age of the Future. Tula shines in all its glory, but the metals are of types we know not. Loving hands have rebuilt the parkways, have paved the streets, have rebuilt the temples. There is a great building where books are kept for the scholars, and many are those who come to read them. Tula is a great Center of Culture. "Come with me to the New Colula. Shining again is My Father’s Temple! Once more the city is filled with fountains and the parkways are wire-netted for the birds of rare plumage, and those who sing to enchant the listener. Cross through the parkway to My Father’s Temple. You will see again the inscriptions which today your eyes are seeing, but now all people can read them. "Come to the city of the future. Here are the buildings unlike those we build, yet they have a breathless beauty. Here people dress in materials we know not, travel in manners beyond our knowledge, but more important than all these differences are the faces of the people. Gone is the shadow of fear and suffering, for man no longer sacrifices, and he has outgrown the wars of his childhood. Now he walks in full stature towards his destiny --- into the Golden Age of Learning. "Carry this vision on through the Ages, and remember Kate-Zahl, the Prophet."
In Book X of his History, the 16th century chronicler Fray Bernardino de Sahagun described the departure of the "wise men" who had been the attendant priests of Kate-Zahl at Teotihuacan:
"The wise men remained not long; soon they went. Once again, they embarked and carried off the writing, the books, the paintings; they carried away all the crafts, the castings of metals. And when they departed, they summoned all those they left behind. They said to them: "Our lord, the protector of all, the wind, the night, saith you shall remain. We go leaving you here.
Our lord goeth bequesting you this land; it is your merit, your lot. Our lord, the master of all, goeth still farther, and we go with him. Whither the lord, the night, the wind, our lord, the master of all, goeth, we go accompanying him. He goeth, he goeth back, but he will come, he will come to do his duty, he will come to acknowledge you.
When the world is become oppressed, when it is the end of the world, at the time of its ending, he will come to bring it to an end. But you shall dwell here; you shall stand guard here..."
A surviving Toltec legend includes this prophecy:
"Ce Acatl [Quetzelcoatl] spent a night with a Huiteca family. They fed him and played music for him. The father, a strong Indian farmer, showed Ce Acatl a stone carving he had and told him, "This carving tells of the coming of the Lord of the Dawn. it says he will come in the Year One Reed. It says he will build a city and change the world." "The farmer had no idea who he was talking to. He continued. "Now," he said, "many people say he will not come. Many people say it is a long time from now that he will come. Some people say he will come from the East and he will bring a great book of words and numbers. Other people say he will come from a tree and count the Last twenty Days of the Creation. What do you say about this?" "Ce Acatl grew gray with the depth of his answer. "If I told you of my thought, of what I know of the Spirit of the Lord of the Dawn, if I told you of what I think will happen, you would laugh and think me crazy. So I say only this: One day a race shall walk upon this earth, a race of men whose spirits are so great, whose wisdom is so complete, whose powers to commune with the Creator are so keen they will dwarf the doings of the Lord of the Dawn of our day. When that day comes the Creator will send forth a manifestation that will in turn amaze the wisest men of that unbelievable age. And even then the greatest brains on earth will wonder --- has he come? Will he come? Or has he been here?"
When he departed, Ce Acatl promised to close the Thirteenth Heaven and open the First of the Nine Hells, and he vowed to destroy the man-made gods. He set the year and date of his birth (260 years later on Day One Reed in year One Reed) and said, "I shall return. I shall come from the east like the Morning Star, and I will fulfill that part of the prophecy.” It is said that when Ce Acatl passed away at the age of 52, "A hush fell over the entire planet, and burning bright in the heavens directly above the great tree, the Tree of Life [El Tule], glowed the planet Venus, the Morning Star.”"
Quetzelcoatl also foretold the following:
"In time, white men will come out of the eastern sea in great canoes with white wings like a big bird. The white men will be like a bird with two different kinds of feet. One foot will be that of a dove [Christianity], the other of an eagle [predator]. A few hundred years after the arrival of the first white men, other white men would arrive with both feet as a dove."
Quetzelcoatl himself or his spirit would come in the form of a white dove at that time.
A Zapotec prophecy, transmitted by Joseph Jochmans, also announced the recent return of Quetzelcoatl:
"One of the incarnations of Quetzelcoatl is buried beneath the roots of the sacred El Tule Tree near Oaxaca, and as the first rays of the dawning sun of the new heaven cycle [August 17, 1987] sink into the depths of the Earth, billions of tiny spirits will burst from the heart of Quetzelcoatl.
They will slowly rise through the trunk, through the limbs and branches, appearing as sparkles of light, finally erupting from limbs and branches, to circle the globe, each spirit to implant itself within the heart of a human being, and plant a crystal of peace and love..."
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2020.09.16 01:53 Consistent-Forever20 Why do my thoughts keep getting dirtier as I age?

My friends know my account so I’m using a throw away.
I’m a Christian guy in my mid 20s. I grew up very sheltered. I’m thankful for that. To this day, I’ve never kissed or hugged a girl. I also don’t view pornography and have never even seen a fully naked woman.
I never was a typical horny teenage boy. I wasn’t that interested in girls until I was out of high school. When I was around 18-21, I would notice cute girls but think about them in a fairly innocent way. I’d see a cute girl and imagine going on a date with her and holding her hand.
Over time, these thoughts became worse and I started thinking about kissing. Now when I see a cute girl, I still think about the holding hands and kissing part. Even just the thought of spending time with a girl makes me happy. But I also get dirtier thoughts.
Sometimes I think about girls with their clothes off. And I imagine holding and kissing them and having sex. I feel sad because it’s like I lost my innocence and have totally turned over to the devil.
I feel guilty and bad about my thoughts. Why did it happen? Does it make me a bad Christian? Does anybody struggle with this?
submitted by Consistent-Forever20 to Christianity [link] [comments]


2020.09.16 01:34 OTSPOKN 8ight After: if you don't believe, then you have nothing to fear -- Part 1

Part 2 of 3
Part 3 of 3

Night #1

Thursday October 3, 2019
Things got serious the day I installed surveillance cameras. That night, after I kissed my wife, Deanna, goodnight, I retired to my home office to edit a video for YouTube.
Just after 1 a.m., a high pitch shriek fills the house and jolts me out of my chair. I immediately run to Deanna, toward the scream. As I dash down the hall I'm hoping she is just having night terrors.
Later, when I watched the surveillance video, I saw something different. I saw something pulling her leg. Intently, I watch, waiting for it to happen again.
I see the gentle rise and fall of Deanna's breaths as she sleeps soundly. She tosses and turns a bit, but nothing out of the ordinary. She snuggles into our waterbed with her right leg hooked around the comforter exposing her foot. Suddenly, her leg kicks as if it were yanked. She's startled, but tries to fall back to sleep.
Our surveillance cameras have audio, so I could hear her grumble, "Vince, don't pull my leg. I'm trying to sleep."* I must admit, messing with her is something I regularly do, but not that night.*
Moments later, Deanna is forcibly pulled to the end of the bed. Jarred awake, she clings to the sheets trying to fight it off. It lets go, freeing her to scurry back to the headboard. She gasps and balls her limbs around her body like a child.
Surveillance Footage capture of Deanna pulled to the foot of the bed.
She scans the room attempting to make sense of what just occurred. Gaining a presence of mind, she creeps toward the foot of the bed to investigate. Slowly, she approaches the edge, grasping a fistful of the comforter for safety. She peers over but sees nothing. Relieved, Deanna rubs her face as she reassesses the room. She turns to my side of the bed and gulps, it must be there. Cautiously, she peeks over that edge, but again finds nothing and breathes a sigh of relief.
As she lingers over my side, the bedroom door behind her creaks. She turns and sees the door closing. Quickly, she sits up to glare at it. The door moves again. In a panic, with revved-up breaths, she calls for me. A hushed gasp at first, until she builds up the nerve to scream, "Vince!"
I fly out of my chair, blaze past the dogs and down the hall. Deanna shields her face in fear as I rush in spouting out a million, "What, what, what's!" I kneel at her side and grab for her; she jumps.
Voice cracking, she mutters, "Do you see it?" She drops the covers a bit to peek.
"See what?" I ask.
"There's someone behind the door." Fixated, she whispers, "Its shadow is right there."
I look over my shoulder, but I see nothing. Then, chillingly, Deanna cries, "She's looking right at us!"
Her words cause my hair follicles to rise, even though I still don't see a thing.
I stand up to approach the door. Deanna begs for me not to. I proceed, not knowing what she expects of me instead.
Once at the door, a cold draft flows over my body and I realize the door movement must be from an open window breeze. I look back to Deanna, she exclaims, "Oh my God. She's right behind you!" Frozen, I slowly turn; then with a sudden whoosh, the door slams! Deanna screams.

Introduction

Before I go any further, I should rewind a bit, to a simpler time -- a time before the security cameras were installed, because the story doesn't start or end here.
My name is Vince Rocca. I'm 46 years old. I have hippie shoulder-length, nearly black hair and brown almond shaped eyes. I also rock an awesome goatee. I'm in decent shape, but I could stand to lay off the donuts.
My wife Deanna is six months older than me, but is often mistaken for a much younger age. She has long brown hair and brown eyes. She is tall and leggy, with a slim build, and tries to workout six nights a week.
I'm a reality television editor. I routinely mold piles of mundane footage in to fun entertainment. I can assure you that reality television is not fake. Sure, the story is sometimes guided, but it is definitely real. In general, people naturally do front a hyper-realized version of themselves for the cameras. But even with the best, guided, most sensational character, it can often take 10-hours of footage to produce a good 3-minute segment.
Vince sitting in front of a computer edit desk.
Deanna is a Registered Veterinary Technician at the Los Angeles Zoo. Her duties involve everything from anesthesia to X-rays. She has done it all, from darting tigers to elephant trunk washes. Her favorite task is caring for the hospitalized animals. Be it a harbor seal or a vulture, she prides herself on finding ways to make their stay enjoyable.
Deanna drawing up a syringe in front of a zoo Gorilla enclosure.
We met in the eighth grade. I vividly recall the moment I first saw this stunning brunette. The leaves were turning in the warm autumn sun at our California junior high school. She crossed the quad in a pink Town & Country shirt as her long, tan legs jutted out from under a white miniskirt. I wish I could say I locked this down immediately, but we didn't start dating until two years later at the age of 16. We have since been inseparable and are blessed to celebrate 30 years together, with 21 of those as husband and wife.
I've heard people describe Deanna as shy, reserved, and quiet. However, she's always game to ham it up in the silly videos we post on the Internet. I, on the other hand, am often described as outspoken, boisterous, and loud. You could say opposites attract, but I really think we're the same person.
We live in Granada Hills, California. It's a lovely suburban community adjacent to Northridge, which became famous in 1994 as the epicenter of a 6.7 magnitude earthquake.
In 2009, we purchased an awesome 2700 square foot 3 bedroom 3 bath home that was originally built in 1965. The house was a bank repossession and sat empty for nearly a year as the previous owners had succumbed to the subprime mortgage collapse.
Exterior photo of the house from across the street.
Because of that recession, we were able to afford this huge house that even includes a den/game room. The house sits on a hill, with neighbors on each side and government land behind it. Bordering that land and us is a ravine with the dry Los Angeles River at the bottom. The large property includes a pool and a six-car parking lot, all nestled behind a sixteen-foot tall gate.
We are kidless, sans for the two fur-babies, which probably lends to our low-stress, youthful spirit. At the very least, being without kids definitely gives us the freedom to travel the globe and enjoy our vacations.
Back in 2014, I started editing our vacation videos as if they were reality TV shows and posted them to YouTube. This was before VLOGS were commonplace, but looking back, that's exactly what these were: Travel VLOGS. For those not up on the term, a VLOG is a Video LOG, much like a BLOG is a written weB LOG.
As time went on, we traveled more and uploaded more, shooting everything became routine. I point this out so you understand that it's not unusual for me to always be filming.

1 YEAR before Night #1

Monday October 22, 2018
We started a little home improvement project, a project that would eventually turn out to have dire consequences on our relationship.
The whole front of our house is brick, but under our bedroom window is a weird wood accent. The wood looks like a headboard surrounded by molded wood trim. I assume this exists because a patio door was an option when the house was first built. Today, we're going to exercise that option and install a French door.
The wood accent under the front window.
Deanna enjoys smashing the glass into pieces. She even takes charge of the sledgehammer to blast holes between the studs so we can get our hands in to leverage the drywall out. I happily run the camcorder, as she pounds and sweats.
Deanna swings a hammer into the drywall.
One particular opening catches her eye. She peers into the wall and declares, "There's something in there." She quickly reaches in and pulls out a little wooden box.
I snatch the box from her and hear a rattle inside. There doesn't seem to be a hinge or an opening. It appears to be two pieces of wood magically joined together by triangular teeth. The box measures about two inches square and one inch thick with a religious cross chiseled into the lid.
Closeup of the box.
Deanna immediately identifies it as a puzzle box, then declares, "I think you're supposed to give it a whack." I figure she' joking, so I hand her the box. She takes a moment to inspect it, then with a WHACK she slides the box open.
Deanna whacking the box on her left palm.
Frankly, the box alone blows my mind. There is a metal ball that engages a magnet and binds the box closed. Take a whack at it, and the ball shifts to another magnet allowing you to slide the box open. It's pretty ingenious.
Detail shots of how the box opens.
More exciting than the box, is the contents. Deanna joyfully inspects a shiny silver necklace with an angled cross charm dangling from it. The cross is unlike a normal cross, but it isn't a sinister upside-down cross either. It hangs at a tilt, almost like an italicized lowercase t.
Deanna immediately exclaims, "It's a Portate cross!"
My head rattles, "What the hell is a Portate cross?"
"A Portate Cross is a wooden cross that the accused drags over their shoulder to the crucifixion site. As you watch the accused drag this cross, it is at an angle, or portate."
Deanna holds up the angled Portate cross as Vince VLOGS.
I'm literally taken aback. I don't know why she knows that. I don't know how she knows how to open the box. I look to her for answers. She smiles coyly at my bewilderment and seems pleased with herself.
I take a closer look at the cross. The necklace looks well-made and could possibly be white gold. I wonder aloud if the cross could pay for our renovation. Deanna scoffs at this notion. I roll my eyes; as if she knows everything.
She snatches the treasure out of my hands and walks off with it.
I ended up making two VLOGS out of the renovation. You can see them here:
Replace a window with a French door Part 1 VLOG 118
Replace a window with a French door Part 2 VLOG 119

3 WEEKS before Night #1

Thursday September 12, 2019
Eleven months have passed. The year was good but nothing too remarkable happened. I spent most of my time editing back-to-back TV shows. We did manage to take a quick trip to Florida for a veterinary conference. I was able to eke out a single VLOG from that trip on Gatorland. Over the next few months I cranked out a few more Daily VLOGS and How To videos, but I stalled around May and spent my Summer hanging out with Deanna, floating around our pool.
I came across that wooden box; it had fallen behind some shoes in the back of our closet. I took both the cross and the box to a pawnshop for appraisal. The shop clerk confirmed that Deanna is right, it ain't white gold.
The guy identified the box as an Impossible Dovetail Puzzle Box. Apparently it's a pretty common puzzle, but Deanna has never been the puzzle type, so I still don't know how she knows its secret.
Tonight, while eating dinner, Deanna recounts the events of her day. I look down at her chest and see the Portate cross around her neck. I ask, "What's with that?" sparking a religious debate.
Now might be a good time to mention that we're both atheists, or at least, I thought we both were. I should also clarify -- as there is often judgment when I say I'm an atheist -- I don't worship the devil, and I don't hate God. I just don't believe in either God or the devil for that matter. I also don't believe in ghosts, goblins, spirits -- none of that stuff. I have nothing to fear. I sleep soundly at night.
Have you ever noticed that the devil only attacks the God-fearing folk? I've never heard of an atheist being haunted. I don't have anything against those who subscribe to religion, but if you believe in one, you fear the other; and that fear is what gets you. If you don't believe, there is nothing to hurt you, so you're safe, and you've got nothing to fear.
Anyway, I find it odd that Deanna, whom I've known my entire life, is wearing a trinket that epitomizes religion. Her defense is, "I think it's nice," so I guess what harm could it do?
As the night sets in, I leave Deanna home alone while I venture off to a filmmaking mixer. I go to a couple of these a month. Some are educational events about new technologies; others are just drinks and chats. Tonight's event is the drinking kind.
At tonight's mixer, I meet Christina. She's an attractive 24-year-old Hispanic girl who is a fan of my VLOG and an aspiring Assistant Editor.
Assistant Editor types tend to be introverted, dorky by-the-numbers nerds. Add booze, and they can be very unique. Christina is just that, dorky and tipsy. We immediately hit it off. I mean, she is a fan of my VLOG, and I tend to like people who like me, because obviously they have great taste.
Back at home, Deanna isn't having as much fun. She wakes from a nap on the living room couch to the sounds of whispers coming from the kitchen. Frightened, she flips on her phone camera video light and proceeds to investigate. Slowly, she tiptoes across the dining room, as the whispers increase in volume. She can see through the dark kitchen into the game room on the other side. The dim moonlight illuminates something in the doorway. She can barely make it out, then it becomes clear: on the other side of the kitchen, in our game room, stands the silhouette of a person swaying in the dark. Startled, Deanna flicks on the light, and it disappears.
Unnerved, she turns on all the lights in the house and double checks to ensure the security alarm is set. It is armed and shows no faults. Realizing she has succumbed to an overactive imagination, she makes an attempt to VLOG in the kitchen while she prepares some comfort food. She removes a bowl from the cabinet and turns back toward the camera to pour in cereal. Behind her the cabinet drifts open and a cup falls out, plummets to the ground and shatters.
Deanna jumps while holding cereal box as cup flies out of cabinet.
Our cupboards have magnetic closures because 50-year-old cabinets have weak hinges that tend to drift open. In addition, Deanna often double stacks the coffee cups in an unstable manner. We both assumed this combo led to the broken cup.
But now, when I look back at the footage, it clearly looks like the cabinet door is completely closed with the magnet engaged. The door then pops open on its own, and the cup doesn't fall out, but flies out, almost like it's thrown.
Startled, Deanna laughs off the broken cup. She acknowledges for the VLOG audience that it is probably from double stacking the cups. She sweeps up the shards of ceramic and takes them out back to the trash. She even VLOGS the whole adventure.
As she approaches the trash bins, she freezes and turns toward the pool, straining to listen. She turns back, then to the pool again. Blood drains from her cheeks, out of nowhere with a sudden burst, she runs back to the house. She trips and falls. Her phone camera goes black as it flies through the night air, then slides across the pavement before coming to a dead stop.
The phone picks up her distant whimper as she repeats, "Oh my toe, oh my toe." She comes into view hovering over the camera and reaches down to pick it up. The phone is still recording and shows glimpses of her foot as she limps. Her right big toe is messed up pretty bad.
I mentioned before that Deanna is an animal nurse. Her primary job is at the zoo, but sometimes she is needed in the field for freelance clients. Because of this she has a toolbox of stuff at home, which consists of various drugs, medicine, and needles.
I could have never done this, but Deanna possesses a courage that puts me to shame. She draws up a syringe of Lidocaine and shoots it into her toe to numb it. She even VLOGS the whole thing.
Deanna is about to insert the tip of a three inch needle into her right toe.
She actually films a massive three-inch needle as she stabs it into her foot. Three INCHES! I asked why the needle was so big, she said she had a surplus of them and didn't want to waste a smaller needle in case she needed one for an animal injection. Bless her heart, her toe is mangled, she's in pain, and she still puts the critters before herself.
The video shows Deanna inject herself in three places. She then taps her toe to confirm numbness. Once satisfied, she takes a pair tweezers and gives the nail a gentle pull. It breaks away like the separation of Velcro. She pulls her nail completely off her toe exposing a bloody mess of skin underneath. This is disgusting, and I have no idea how she did it.
What happens next is the icing on the cake. Deanna settles down on the living room couch to VLOG a summary of the evening. She explains to the camera that she's freaked out, but she is just going to watch TV while she waits for me to arrive. She leans forward to grab the television remote off the ottoman. When she falls back into the couch, there's a woman sitting next to her. Deanna screams, jumps to her feet, and staggers away from the couch. She turns toward the woman: nothing is there.
Ghost on couch scaring Deanna.
I arrive home to a brightly lit house. She gives me the rundown, illustrating with videos. I laugh incredulously as I watch a video of our game room. She claims a dark figure stood in the doorway. I see nothing. She also claims a ghost sat next to her on the couch. I play the video back and watch her scream like a lunatic for no reason. It's silly.
She's angry that I don't believe her. To placate her, I stifle my laughter, listen, and nod. I don't believe in ghosts. But if you tell me you saw a ghost, I do believe that you believe that you saw a ghost. I just never thought Deanna would be the one telling me she saw a ghost, or how she describes it, "A shadowy figure that glows in a ghostly fashion with steam rising softly from her body."
Friday September 13th, 2019
I regularly journal. The inspiration came from a Robert Rodriguez book, which ultimately led me to write the filmmaking book "Rebel without a Deal." If you're interested, it's available on Amazon, not that this is a sales pitch. The book's subject matter has nothing to do with the events I'm recounting here; I only mention this so you don't judge me as a sissy for keeping a diary.
In celebration of Friday the 13th, I decide to digitally insert a ghost into Deanna's couch video as a fun VLOG treat.
I called Christina from last night's networking event. She lives nearby and I know she is between gigs. She comes over, and I film her on the couch acting like a ghost. I edit her in to Deanna's couch video and I even make her transparent with a ghostly mist.
Detail image showing how the ghost was composited into Deanna's video.
After Deanna gets home from work and settles in, I show her my creation, expecting to get a laugh of approval. I totally misread the situation though.
Deanna is still pissed that I don't believe she saw a ghost. I don't understand why. I mean, there is video footage showing nothing there. She insists that I should believe that there was a shadowy figure of a legless woman sitting right next to her. I chuckle again at the thought of a legless woman, responding with, "She would be easy to run from."
Deanna retaliates and accuses me of something with Christina. This is absurd. So what if Christina is cute? I've been with Deanna for 30 years, and there's no reason not to trust me. Besides, I think Christina might be slow.
As I mentioned before, Assistant Editor's are unique. Some people might define them as being on the autistic spectrum. Well, Christina seems to fit that bill. What I had mistaken for inebriated behavior turns out to be "special" behavior. I'm not sure if Deanna believes me, but in hindsight, she might be thinking that she's been with me for 30 years so there's no reason for me not to believe her.
Saturday September 14, 2019
After 10 years, the ceiling fan in our bedroom finally made its last revolution. Michael came over to help me swap the fan out and film the installation of a new one.
Michael is my best friend. He's been in the VLOG before and regularly does the podcast "GetConVinced" with me. He is a teacher of special needs kids but is best described as a Jesus look-a-like.
Michael helping install fan.
Michael is outside the French door gathering tools when Deanna enters the room. She broke the chain on the Portate cross and asked me to fix it. I tell her to throw the necklace out. This sets her off.
She now claims she isn't an atheist. She says she was always unsure and only identified as one to appease me. I have no clue where this came from. We've been together our whole lives. There has never been any indication that she believed, or that I would judge her for believing.
Michael reenters the room and cuts our conversation short.
YouTube enables you to upload a video today and set the premiere for a later date and time. This allows me to finish a video in the middle of the night and upload the file, but not notify viewers of it at two-thirty in the morning when they are probably asleep.
I set this video to premiere on Sunday, September 22 to start the week, but later I discovered that I mistakenly chose October 22 instead.
How To Replace and Install a Ceiling Fan
I understand if you're asking, What does a ceiling fan have to do with this story? Unfortunately, that will make sense soon.

Pool Party!

Saturday September 21, 2019
The pool is 98 degrees, and it's a warm, sunny California day. So before winter sets in, we're having people over for an end-of-summer BBQ.
To my delight, Deanna's friend Amy brought her 18-year-old daughter Jenna and three of Jenna's girlfriends to the BBQ. These bikini clad hotties frolic around the pool and really bring on the sorority vibe. Not that I'm complaining, as it's a fine sight to see.
Four Bikini girls wave for Vince.
I show a group of our friends the ghost I comped into Deanna's couch footage, and they laugh. Deanna seems to have lightened up and recognizes the humor in the video. I think she might be okay with me using the footage in a VLOG.
My buddy, Marty proposes the idea that we have a seance tonight. He is a hardcore Metal Head and a die-hard Horror movie geek. He even owns a company, PlayItByFear.com that sells horror paraphernalia. So it's no surprise to any of us that he suggests a seance. He assures us it is safe and fun. Deanna recoils at the idea, but Amy is onboard, stifling any objection Deanna might have had.
As the festivities wind down and the younger girls leave, we move the party into the house. I set up four cameras around the living room and have my phone attached to my three-axis gimbal. Everybody seems up for the seance, even Deanna, but Tom is totally against it.
Tom is a stand-up comedian and an actor. In 2003 I cast him in my first movie, Kisses and Caroms. He has been on numerous TV shows and most recently in the Progressive Motaur commercial. Tom loves to joke, so I'm not sure if this anti-seance stance is just a routine.
Also, Tom lost his father a few years ago, and later, when Tom was under anesthesia for an operation, he claimed his dad visited him. So Tom's spiritual beliefs may have fluctuated recently.
Tom Ayers rejecting the seance.
Tom and Amy get into a bit of a back-and-forth debating God, ghosts, and religion. I don't know if I'd call it an argument, but it is a bit heated. Just as Amy is gaining ground on Tom, Deanna shushes everyone. She hears something. I hear it too. It's a whisper.
Being the man of the house, I get up to investigate. I creep down the hall toward the whisper. I can almost make the hushed noise out..."I like your..." is what the words sound like. I realize that everyone else stayed seated in the living room and I have no one backing me up. I'm alone in the hall. My heart is hammering out of my chest. Still, I press on down the dark corridor. The light switch is on the opposite end from me. Even if I could reach it, I don't know if I would turn it on, for fear of seeming like a wimp in front of everyone.
The end of the hall splits in three directions. To the left is another hall that leads to our other bedrooms/home offices. Straight ahead is a guest bath, and to the right is a second doorway to the game room.
I freeze a few feet shy of this junction. The light switch is still a good foot out of reach. I again hear the whisper coming from the left hall. I can make the words out now. It whispers, "I like your dogs." I white knuckle my gimbal. Everyone in the living room is silent. Everything is silent as I listen intently. Then with a sudden, "Boo!", Bill jumps out from the right side and scares the crap out of me.
Bill sitting between Deanna and Amy on the living room couch.
Bill is our neighbor. He's also an actor most famously from Comedy Central's "Workaholics". Those who are fans of the show will be delighted to know that in real life, Bill is very similar to his character on "Workaholics". He's strange, but he also seems to get the joke. Bill is the kind of guy in a horror movie that the girl mistakes as a creep, but turns out to be the nice guy trying to help her.
After scaring the crap out of me, Bill graces us with a story. He claims that one night before we moved in, he heard noises coming from our house. He looked over the wall and saw a bunch of cops. He overheard one officer say that the guy who lived in my house, Jose, shot his wife, Patricia, in the kneecaps, then hung himself.
Bill explains Jose shot her in the knees so her hobble would always remind her of that day, but instead, Patricia bled out and died.
In the moment, I play along with the story. It's fun and it's freaking Deanna out. Tom seems to buy into it too, asking me how I didn't know this when I bought the house. I quickly pass that off by explaining, the house was a bank repossession, and the bank doesn't have to disclose anything; you buy the house as-is.
Truth is, I'm not buying Bill's story at all. For one, how would the police know the reason Patricia was shot in the kneecaps? If they arrived before she died, would that really be her last words? Most likely, Bill is playing off Deanna's ghost video; he was in the mix when I showed it earlier while joking that a legless ghost would be easy to run from.
Bill also couldn't remember the date. That seems like a pretty traumatic thing that would remain etched in your brain. Granted we've been in this house for 10 years, so if this happened, it happened over a decade ago, but these were Bill's nextdoor neighbors that he knew by name. So I'm not buying his story.
Monday September 23, 2019
I finish the vlog of Deanna's couch ghost and upload it. Since this VLOG is in the Halloween spirit, I set the premiere date for October 11th.
Summer Bikini Pool Party Daily Vlog 132
Tuesday September 24, 2019
I decide to prank Deanna for a follow-up video. Over the last few days I've teased her with Bill's story. I've been telling her the ghost of Patricia is haunting our house.
Tonight, I'm going to crank it up a notch. It's one in the morning, and Deanna is sound asleep in our bedroom. I creep in and set up a couple of cameras and a small light. Next, I open the French door. The fall temperature is about 60 degrees outside, which is a good 15 degrees cooler than the house, providing just enough of a chill to be eerie.
I slide into bed and Deanna rolls over toward me, but doesn't open her eyes. I poke her head to wake her up. She groggily asks, "Why'd you open the door?"
"I didn't open the door, did you open the door?"
"No, I was sleeping."
"I was sleeping too. I woke up and the door was open."
Deanna is now at full attention, trying to suss out the situation. I rev-up my breathing into a labored pace. We both gaze at the open door waiting for something to happen then, "Boo!" She jumps, I laugh.
Deanna rolls away mad, but I'm not finished yet. I impersonate a decrepit woman's voice to scare her even more. I groan, "I'm coming for you, Deanna."
Deanna wincing in bed, her back is to Vince and the open French door is behind them.
She winces and begs, "Don't do that voice. It's creepy. Stop."
Slowly, I inch my finger toward her face. I can feel her squirm and twitch. I tap her cheek, and she explodes with a scream.
I antagonize her with a belly laugh, but my celebration is stopped short by a knock at the front door. I'm confused because the driveway gate prevents people from getting to our front door. Deanna sits up, as I quickly lock the French door. My phone is already recording and rather than fumble with its light I grab a flashlight off my end table.
Deanna cowers into the comforter as I proceed toward the foyer. I peek around the corner into the hall. To my shock, the front door is wide open. "Hello?" I muster. "Hello?" No response. My heart tightens at the thought of someone in the house. I don't want to step any further in fear that a person is hiding around the corner in the living room with an axe. I contemplate grabbing Deanna and escaping out the French door. I don't know what to do. The silence is broken by the "thwock" of a ball as it bounces in through the door. I jump back. My throat knots up. Who the hell threw that? What the hell is going on? I'm petrified. I can't take my eyes off the door.
The open front door from Vince's iPhone VLOG camera.
Our dog, Pismo darts in and grabs the ball. I literally feel my throat fall to the floor and I almost collapse, but I regain my composure to put on a confident front for Deanna. Pismo doesn't seem bothered, so there can't be any danger, right? I mean, dogs are supposed to have a sixth sense about this stuff. At least that is what every movie depicts. I push the front door closed, secure the deadbolt and set the alarm.
I figure Pismo got out through the French door, ran around, found her ball, and pushed open the front door. Our front door is 50 years old and never had a traditional latch. Instead, the door uses a ball catch latch, which is a ball bearing that can be easily pushed open or closed.
Front door knob and ball catch.
Wednesday September 25, 2019
I cut together last night's prank video. The addition of some music and sound effects really sweeten it up. I'm able to pitch shift my creepy woman's voice to sell the scare. I think it turns out pretty well.
Changes with YouTube algorithms have caused video views to suffer, so I decide to premiere this one a couple weeks after the last video. That will put this closer to Halloween and give the last one a chance to rack up some eyeballs.
Halloween Prank Daily VLOG 133

Stalker

Friday September 27, 2019
I take the dogs for a walk, and standing in my driveway is Christina. I didn't call her, but I ask how long she's been here? She never breaks focus on the dogs, and responds, "not long." I suppose it's possible she just arrived as I walked out.
Christina squatting on the sidewalk petting Pismo.
Today, her intellect really shows. She riles up the dogs yelling, "Chase me, chase me. Come on," and keeps skipping in front of them. She acts like a child. I feel bad. She's a sweet girl and means no harm but she is odd and annoying too.
Tuesday October 1, 2019
Sixteen security cameras and two DVRs were delivered today. Deanna has been against outfitting the house with cameras. She feels like they will be watching her. I think they'll be great to watch the dogs and capture any spontaneous silliness that might occur to make for a good VLOG video. Plus they're a good way to combat potential stalkers like Christina.

Night #1

Thursday October 3, 2019
Today I finished the security camera install. When Deanna gets home, I show off the cameras to her. She's not pleased. I anticipated this, so I present her with the repaired Portate cross. I came across the broken necklace while I was running wires. One of the chain loops had split so I gave it a quick mend. This turned out to be just what I needed to soften her stance on the cameras.
Later that the night, I pass out on the couch. I'm sound asleep when something slides down my forehead between my eyes and onto my nose. It feels like a feather caressing my skin, but then it settles on the bridge with pressure. It comes into focus. It's a long, dirty, brittle fingernail. The rough frayed edges press harder digging into the bridge. I begin to feel the collapse of my septum. The pressure causes the nail to bow, then snap, the nail breaks off. My eyes pop, I see her hovering over me, I fly off the couch and almost hit the ceiling.
Deanna laughs, "I bet you're glad we have video cameras now!"
I'm disorientated; I expected to see the owner of the dirty nail, but I quickly conclude what transpired. It was Deanna dangling a plastic spider on my face. The finger was a dream.
"Funny. Ha ha," I groggily reply. "You wanna step up the game? It's on now."
Deanna laughs it off as she heads to the bedroom.
This is the night Deanna's leg is first pulled, and the door slammed. I recounted that event at the beginning of this story and see no reason to copy and paste it here.
Surveillance Footage capture of Deanna pulled to the foot of the bed.
After the door slam, I try to explain to Deanna that the wind blew it shut, but she doesn't believe me. She rocks in bed and begins to pray. I've never seen her pray. I know as a kid she attended a private Christian school, but I understood that was because her mom taught at that school. This meant Deanna got to go for free and her mom could watch over her. I didn't realize the prayer had stuck.
I finally set Deanna at ease by getting into bed with her to watch Friends with the lights on. At some point, she nods off. Around 3 a.m. I turn the volume down and close my eyes.
Friday October 4, 2019
Deanna is about to leave for work. Normally, I would sleep later in the morning, but I want to touch base about last night. We briefly chat in the kitchen over coffee. She appears fine and seems to realize that last night was silly. I joke that she needs more Sexy Time. She responds, "Sexy Time tonight?" It's a date.
After Deanna leaves, I pull up the security camera footage on the computer to review last night. I also watch her spider prank. It's pretty good. I fly off the couch like a scaredy-cat. After getting a good laugh at myself, I take off to meet Tom for lunch.
I chat with Tom about his beliefs, and what Deanna might believe. I postulate, can an atheist and a zealot be married? Isn't it like a vegan and a meat-eater? They're too fundamentally different to be together. Tom insists vegans and meat-eaters can be together and I shouldn't compare them. He concludes with the revelation that I'm a knucklehead.
I begin to wonder. Deanna's one of the smartest people I know. She even made the Dean's List in college. Maybe I am wrong? Maybe there is a God. I don't verbalize these notions to Tom, because I think he'll eat them up.
Deanna gets home from work early for date night. We split a pizza and a bottle of Pinot Grigio. She really pounds the wine like water. After dinner, she leads me into our bedroom. I'm able to gauge that she isn't really that drunk. She's just drunk enough to do a bit of a cabaret dance, but not so drunk that she falls over. After her dance, she charges me and tackles me onto our waterbed.
I've got my hands all over her, as we kiss and make out. Suddenly, she loses interest in me and looks to the door like something is there. I try to get her to refocus on me. She's receptive, but a moment later she looses interest again.
I explain it's just the dogs, and regain her attention. A moment later, I hear something too. We both stop and gaze at the door. I can make out a whisper, or possibly a grumble -- noises that can't come from the dogs. I'm about to push Deanna's half-naked body off me to investigate, when CRASH! The ceiling fan tumbles down on us.
Debris falls everywhere as we both scurry out of the way. I'm aghast. I know I securely mounted this thing to the ceiling. How could it fall? Deanna shushes me. "There's something in this room. I can feel it," she insists. Suddenly, she grabs her pillows and declares she is not sleeping in here and storms down the hall.
She spends the night in the spare bedroom, which is also her office. I throw the fan off the waterbed and momentarily consider getting the ladder to inspect the ceiling, but decide I'm too drunk for that. Instead, I fall back into bed and spend the night alone.
I decide to assemble Deanna's leg-pull footage into some previously unused VLOG footage. Some days I start to VLOG and don't finish. Some days, only one interesting thing happens, but it's only a small bit that doesn't end up anywhere. I'm now going back to assemble those stray bits into what I think will be an awesome Halloween VLOG that can end with Deanna's leg pull.
This is creepy! Daily VLOG 134
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2020.09.15 15:35 feliciafancybottom_ DAE have experience with "sexual anorexia?"

I was reading about attachment theory the other day and came across the concept of "sexual anorexia": https://www.hippocraticpost.com/mental-health/the-rise-of-sexual-anorexia/
I had never heard of this before, but it describes a lot of my behavior very well. I'm 28 (about to be 29) and have never been intimate with anyone in any way. I've never kissed a guy (or even gotten close), I've never been on a date with anyone, and I think it goes without saying that I'm a virgin. When I was younger I was extremely focused on school and work as a refuge & exit strategy from my horrible home life, and didn't have much interest in dating because I felt like someone had to be really worth my time and I had to get to know someone really well before having any interest in them (I guess I'm demisexual if a label is needed). However, I still had several multi-year unrequited infatuations with guys who were varying degrees of unavailable (one was a run-of-the-mill jerk, one was a born-again Christian who told me the only people for him were in his church, and one was a married professor 10 years older). In my early-mid 20s I wasted a good 4-5 years on a guy who liked me for awhile but then turned into a massive jerk and treated me horribly, yet I still spent a few years obsessing over him, and finally told him how I felt after he got into a new relationship. (I'm not proud of that, but I wasn't trying to break them up--I was trying to get him to outright reject me so that I could stop obsessing over him, because even though a healthy person would have put a stop to his BS after a few months, I allowed myself to be led on by some pretty manipulative behavior.) In a way I'm grateful for that non-relationship "relationship" because it led me to the realization that I associated love & romance with extreme pain and suffering, and I've worked through a lot of those older issues as a result and haven't made the same mistakes since.
For the last few years I've been in grad school spending close to 100% of my time in a research lab, and the few guys I've met and actually liked have either already been in a relationship or I have intentionally avoided any interaction with them. I've started to become resentful and feel hate towards anyone I'm attracted to, because I know it won't be mutual. I've also started to become extremely fearful that if I do get close to anyone they will be scared off by my total lack of experience, and I can't really explain that away without telling my whole life story. I've spent the last several years telling myself that I'm repulsive to men which is why I'm alone (I'm definitely not attractive, but if I'm being totally honest with myself there have been guys interested in me over the years). I think this is all a way to keep the world at arm's length, because it's easier for me to hate myself for being repulsive than it is to let myself be vulnerable.
Sorry for all the details (I don't have anyone to talk to, and writing helps me process it), but I don't know what to do to overcome this or even how to start. I want a real relationship and I have for a long time but I don't know if that's even possible for me. With a history of abuse all the conventional BS advice you get like "love yourself before you can love someone else" seems a lot like locking a plant in a dark windowless room and telling it to grow stronger before it's allowed some sunlight. I'm not looking for someone else to fix me, but I also noticed that I didn't develop many (if any) healthy friendships until I made a friend who was genuinely kindhearted and consistent and supportive and trustworthy, and I learned to trust people a lot more through that friendship, and have a few more solid friendships as a result. I don't see how it wouldn't be different for romantic relationships.
Has anyone else had experience with being terrified/avoidant of any sort of romantic intimacy? Has anyone overcome this and been able to find a healthy, mutual partnership? Any advice or resources are welcomed and much appreciated. (Therapy is not in the cards financially right now, and frankly I don't trust therapists at all, but that's a different issue)
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2020.09.14 16:27 Aya787 Abuaive or toxic relationship part 2

Now, knowing my bf, he'll probably react 1 of 2 ways to this post if he reads it ever. 1 he'll be super clingy thinking im thinking twice about our relation ship, (will never happen) or 2, will be mad for up to 30 seconds before tackle cuddling me to the couch like an adorable kitten.
The reason I say this is because this post is about my previous bf, my now Ex, We'll just call him Ex here, and how my relationship with him was not only toxic for my mental state, but also turned slightly abusive verbally and mentally towards the end. I will say, Ex never touched me what so ever but to give me hugs and hold my hand. Besides that he never physically harmed me, or if he did it was an accident like running into each other while playing outside.
Background, I dated Ex since the 8th grade up until winter of my Junior year in high school. Before that we were childhood friends, in the same kindergarten class with our besti. I won't mention him in this post as I havent seen our friend for years, but its just background. Another thing is that after he broke it off, I didnt date until the summer after I graduated, and it was still touch and go for a while.
Now to the content
The start of my relationship with Ex was good at first. Mind you I had never ever never had a boufriend before and had no clue hiw to act in a relationship like that because my parents kept me extra sheltered for most of my life up till now. Ex was my first bf and he was very sweet. We acted more like friends than lovers on account that both I didn't know how else to act, and I was more preoccupied by school work than doing anything after school. I did drive about 30 minutes just to go visit him though because he both lived in two different towns and went to different schools. So we didnt see each other as often as most gf and bf's do. I was good friends with his family members and they treated me well. But the thing was my relationship with Ex was nothing more than that, friends. I don't know if it was my fault or if it was both of us, but whenever I went to his house we were never allowed alone wothout being with in ear shot or eye sight of one of our parents.
And when we did hang out? We just sat in his gaming room and gamed. Not even together. I asked several times if I could play with him and his friends and he let me once in GTA. I crashed the chopper and he didnt let me play anymore. I even suggested games I liked like halo, but he just would make me play zombie games which I hate for a number of reasons, or just sit there saying nothing, and I would do the same, laying on the couch playing or texting friends on my phone.
We called, and basically did the same thing. Sitting in silence while I did homework or played phone games, and he played xbox. This went on for the entier time we were together. But I wanted to make it work!
At the time, I was a semi hard core christian. I didn't belittle people based off of stupid stuff like being LGBTQ or stuff like that, I had and have pleanty of friends and even family in that community. But I did think at the time that doing "it" before marriage and breaking up with your lover was wrong. Like life or death wrong. That wasn't healthy either.
Towards the end he became more distant and just rude sometimes. He said it was because his step dad was abusing him and his brothers, which he did but I never saw it or saw marks so I said nothing (that man eventually left tho so he's no longer apart of their life). But I knew better. Ex was straight forward thinking, which was why it was hard me to talk to him. He over reacted to everything because of the straight thought of, anything bad is because I didn't like him or wanted to break it off. He never said it but he made advances to keep me close that made me uncomfortable.
My mom would and still does, make fun of me because I wasnt comfortable to even hold hands with him much less kiss his lips or cheek. But I wasn't comfortable with any of those things. He even talked about us getting married before I ever whent to highschool!! Like what the heck!? Im still no where near that and im a second or third year in college. That was about the extent of it. But it got worse.
When his birth father came back into his life, he started to get more aggressive and mean towards me. When I would act as my usual goofy self he would start shouting at me to cut it out and act normal. For instance we visited his birth father and he had these adorable little dogs and the whole tome as usual, I play with the animals. I was never much for people and he knew and accepted thay, but he seemed annoyed that I was playing with them and not games with him. Im not much of a gamer now or then, but animals are my specialty. But when I offered to play a game he snapped and told me to forget it, storming out of the room.
Im not sure what happened after but he got mad and told us we were leaving and stormed out. I guess he got in a fight Idk. But I followed him outside and tried to get him to calm down and he snapped saying "dont tell me what to do! Dont ever tell me what to do again or I'll break up with you!" Those might not be the exact words as this was a long time ago, but he used that threat of, I'll break up with you at least 5 more times. He even did it to get me to stop hanging out with some of my friends at school and I flipped out on him for it, he never did that again.
Soon enough I was nearing the end of high school, junior year, and had decided I wanted to move out of my moms and into my dads, who lived near Ex so not only would I be in my college school district, and going to the same school as him according to his mom, but I could see him more often. But when Ex heard I was moving he broke up with me that winter. Thats when the super ultra toxic behavior broke out.
He didnt talk to me for a long time, and I decided to basically go on a man clense and not worry sbout dating at the time and focus on my work at school and home. It was about durring this time I grew closer to my current bf.
When I graduated my senior year I spend a little but down south to be free from my town stress and from bad memories. Thats when I asked my bf out, and we went on our first date that following week when I came to live with my dad.
I had barely been dating my bf for a month when Ex hit me up on facebook. I dont have the texts as my facebook was hacked and I had to make a new one, but I did share the pictures to my friends and I might find them later and post them, keeping names out of course. Anyways, he started going on and on about me getting back with him and how much he suppisedly loved me. My bf told me what to say and I basically told him that I wasn't ready for dating again. It wasnt a total lie, my bf knew about my toxic past with Ex and knew I wasnt sure of myself so we took it slow and were testing the waters to see if I was even ready. Thats when he flipped out on me and started accusing me of abusing him and making him do things he didnt like. Claiming I hit him in the shoulder often and things like that.
Now, he isnt entierly lying but I never did it to hurt him. See, around that time in my life was strong for my age and didnt know how to control it. So for all the guys in my life including my dad and brothers I would playfully punch their shoulder when joking and I did the same to Ex. Maybe I hit too hard at times but I always apologized and he literally at times told me to kick him in the privates he wouldnt feel a thing. Of course I never did, but you get my point. In the end he blocked me and because of the emotional trauma my bf came to pick me up that instant.
What he did worse was he CAME! TO MY HOUSE! AND BRAGGED! Thats right! Ex came onto my property, waiting for me to let out my dog and when I did he came over and started talking to me about his new gf in norway, how much they loved each other and how she was willing to kove here so he could stay in his home town, he much he used to love me and what I was missing out of the whole guilt trip everything you can think of!! He even invited me to a group chat with her so he could rub it in my face. I did stay friends with her for a while because she wasnt half bad. She was very kind and happy at the world. I liked her outlook. After that it was a whole year before I spoke to either of them, but he texted me back on another media and started telling me the same bs again. He even told me he only used that norway girl to try to get me jealous to get back with him. Obviously didnt work. Then I got fed up with it and told him, look I dont care what you have to say. You gave up ahope at having a good relationship for a broken one that wasn't ever getting fixed. Mind u thats what I was getting across not what I said, I have to look for the texts I'll post with the facebook texts. So I then aksed. "Is there anything else U wanna tell me before i block you?
Ex: i just cant believe you got a bf 2 weeks after you broke up with me.
First, he used the whole "you broke up with me" act hundreds of times he talked to me, which didnt happen when he messaged me on facebook me and broke it off because I was moving closer to see him.
Second, as I stated before I didnt start dating my bf till after I graduated high school. Almost 2 YEARS after he broke up with me. He ended up blocking me before I could respond.
Last thing, recently hes been hanging around my house and my friends, a mutual friend of ours wanted tk date hkm and asked me permission, which i told her I didnt care so I gave her a warning and told her to go ahead. But he then told her that I wa starting up drama and that she should block me. Of course she didnt we're practically sisters! But I was peeved. And before that he told my brother who hates him btw lies about how I was starting drama with him aswell.
I just hope that he either backs off or sees this post bc if you do Ex, know that I am very happy where I am, I'm very happy with my bf, and I am not sorry YOU decided to throw away what I was willing to give.
Morel of the story, watch who youre friends with. There are several flags I dismissed because I wanted to be the good girl. Its not worth your time, effort, energy, or love. Get out while you can.
Also heads up I will be posting a second psrt to this, only compairing Ex to my current bf and how differently they are. How I made the right choice when I decided to date this guy
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2020.09.13 08:21 livelysparkler I’m struggling with my sexuality and mistakes of my past

When I (19F) started dating my ex boyfriend I was only 16 years old, we dated for about 2.5 years but we ended up breaking up for a multitude of reasons. One of those reasons is that I have been struggling with my sexuality. For years I’ve found women attractive and even fantasize about women, but I’ve come from a very religious and conservative home.
While I was still dating my ex I ended up drunkenly making out with a girl. I felt so horribly and I told him what happen, but never to the extent. I was barely 18 when it happened, so we moved on and I thought that I had moved on. Then right after my 19th birthday I ended up having a similar situation with another girl, but we didn’t end up kissing. We were very physical and touchy. I felt so ashamed about it and I told my ex and we ended up breaking up soon after that.
Even though my past relationship is over, I feel so deeply ashamed and absolutely horrible. I would like to think I would never do it again, but I’m so worried I will hurt whoever I’m with next. I also moved home with my parents and have had multiple conversations with them on why they think homosexuality is wrong and why you cannot be a Christian and gay. All my mistakes and everything has been weighing on me. I know that I’m attracted to women, but I don’t know how to reconcile my past mistakes. I don’t want to be a cheater and I feel so embarrassed about everything.
TLDR: I cheated on my ex with a woman...twice, but I want to be better.
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2020.09.13 04:53 DraconicHerald How do I support my significant other that doesn't support himself (emotionally)?

As the post says. Pardon the autobiography.
24(F) by a month with my my 26(M) boyfriend turning 27 in a few months.
We met back in April. We are both EMTs and started picking up shifts together. We loved working with each other and wanted to become permanent partners. We eventually made it.
During this time we grew closer and more joking, friendly, personal, etc. Due to the nature of the job, we have to trust our partner with our lives. With him, I had no hesitation on it. We've had long shifts and various levels of stressful calls and I've NEVER had a bad shift with him.
What struck me about him first in a more serious way was how he treated the patients. While others could get frustrated and it showed to the patient or such, he was always very kind and showed them humanity. He was the exact partner you wanted. Strong enough to know you could handle team lifting easily, smart enough to understand everything, curious enough to learn, tough enough to put his foot down when needed (fighting with nurses to make sure the pt was taken care of), calm enough to be relaxed and all of that. He was the best partner.
We started to hang out after work. More and more until we stayed up so long we barely had time to go home and come back to work. Whether it was watching planes and stars at the airport and fighting off giant mosquitos, having a snack at waffle house because nothing but a few 24 hour places were open after shift in the early morning, driving around town or just talking in old parking lots.
He's from up north and I'm from the south where we are. We've both had bad family history of our own and stressful lives. We have a lot in common with our quirks, food habits, etc. It's like he's the dude version of me that's seen a white Christmas.
I know he misses home sometimes so I decided to paint him something from back home. A popular landmark he'd been to that had good memories. I told my friends and they encouraged me that if I really liked him (goodness, I did), that I should ask him out.
He's the shy type and I'm the loud one, but we're both introverts. He is the kind that would seek a crowd to be in with, I would avoid them at all costs because I felt most people were fake and not worth it (I'm the INTJ).
I told them I would, but after I finished the painting. Even got it framed with a wire hanger.
I finished it way faster than I thought.
He'd gotten a haircut and been to a job interview for a job we both wanted and I'd had an interview already there. We agreed to meet at olive garden for dinner.
After dinner he walked me to my car and I surprised him with it. He was happy to have it. But during this time I worked hard to build up the courage to ask him, I wish he'd ask so I could be sure. I knew what my answer would be. But... if you want something, you go for it.
He'd pay for meals when we went out or the cost of whatever it was (gun range, snacks at the mall, etc). I'm sure if seen publicly everyone would have thought we were dating. We were terrible at goodbyes talked long into the night and saw the sun rise and fell asleep next to each other often. He showed all the signs he liked me too.
So I stuttered and stammered kind of hoping he'd get the information and finish it. But the look in his eyes was more of fear and pain and as time went on it worsened. He started to say goodbye and turn to leave and I blurted it out. I asked him out.
We are both Christian and celibate and looking for marriage. No flings, nothing casual. This was commitment we wanted
He turned back and said with the most pained look in his eyes, no. He said there's stuff about him I didn't know and he wanted to and he thought about asking me out several times but couldn't. And we talked for a bit and he kept the painting.
I kept it together as we left and got into our cars. He drove off as I burst into tears, unsure how it had gone so wrong, slightly angry, but glad I'd had the courage to ask and that he'd kept the painting. But mostly, I hurt.
I drove home in tears and told my friends who were furious. They worked with us and saw how we were together. They assured me he liked me and he was giving me all the good signs.
One came over with ice cream and candy and I cried with her as I talked about it. She eventually went home.
I texted him later about it how I was very confused. We then talked on the phone for a bit about what was troubling him. I basically asked him what was so bad, like was he a child rapist or a murderer or what. At that point he was like "No no no" and told me his issues and how he didn't feel like he was a good person. I knew about some stuff because we'd talked and had a strong hunch about the other stuff.
He honestly has a very trash opinion of himself, and while he wanted to be with me, thought he wouldn't be good enough. He thought from his past he should pay for him because he's been lucky enough to avoid "punishment" (no he's not on the run or anything like that.) He can't forgive himself for crap.
We had a good talk and I told him that I knew his issues already and I didn't choose him because he was perfect, but because he was real. He has a heart of gold, just not to himself.
The next day we had shift together and boy did that become awkward.
I decided to say a few more things to him and converse with him. Eventually it was basically that, no pressure, but the offer still stood, but I wouldn't wait forever. He told me before he wasn't ready, and I asked him if he knew when he would be. He then stumbled and said that he was.
I told him I'd be committed to trying in a relationship if he was, but not to accept lightheartedly. Stressed how important it was to only get into a relationship of he was sure and it's what he wanted. He said he was serious and he was 100% committed. We were official. Very rocky start on months good times.
I got the new job and he had to turn it down due to school. I hasn't started school yet.
Time passed (just over 2 months now) and things have gotten way better. But sometimes he thinks he doesn't deserve what he has or he thinks poorly of himself. I and always reassure him and show him my unwavering loyalty and love for him. Honest to God (as a Catholic I mean this) I didn't believe in Soul mates before. I do now. Not as if there's only one person for you, but that there are people out there that will complete you and balance you in all the best ways. Like a match made in heaven.
He doesn't like his graying and receding hairline. I call him my silver fox and give him nose kisses. I love him and I mean it. Like aside from his bad habits, he is a gem and a treasure in my life that I didn't know I was missing.
When he'd messed up in not a good way, but my the worst way, I just held him and told him things would be okay. That I was still here and I meant what I said about not leaving. I've never opened my heart to someone like this before. And he's never to anyone but me before.
At the beginning He broke into tears and demanded to know why I didn't kick him out of my life and tell him to leave. He said I deserved better. That he doesn't understand why I stay. I wish he could see him like I see him. And I don't ignore his flaws or mistakes. I do require ownership of that. But, he is one of the most pure and true people I've met.
He doesn't ask me that anymore and while he struggles, he says he knows I'm not going to leave. He's worked on his issues and has gotten better and he struggles with them daily. We're both in paramedic school and have other obligations in life. But we see each other almost daily.
But even so he sometimes will get "pouty" or in a bad mood. He still shows affection and will hold my hand but he's clearly upset (even if it's not at me) about things in his life or himself.
I like to surprise him with his favorite snacks or with flowers or such to show him there's no special occasion needed to show love. When he's over if I'm busy he'll do dishes or sweep or take care of things.
One time I got sick from something, maybe food poisoning and was puking up and felt bad. I slept on the bathroom floor. He came over after shift and let himself in (we have keys to each other's places) and had brought soup and Gatorade and sat with me until we fell asleep. He's so gentle and kind as a caregiver and I don't understand how he can't see himself like that.
His morale and outlook has improved decently but he still can easily get stressed out.
He doesn't think counseling will help (he's been before) and frequently doesn't bother with his seat belt because he thinks if there's a crash he'll die or he won't. We should know better in our job. While we do ride his motorcycle in excess of 100+mph he uses that as his reason to not wear his belt in his car. He will wear it when I'm there though. I say we should reduce risk wherever we can. He's not suicidal, but sometimes apathetic. Only on his own time though. At work he would wear his belt because the cameras and never took unnecessary risks. But off the clock? Meh.
I voice my concerns and he understands them and knows things aren't right but often refuses any suggestions.
It's like he wants help but can't ask for it or believe things will get better.
Aside from showing genuine concern and giving options and putting my foot down when needed (this car isn't going anywhere without you wearing a belt. Now he gets it on pretty quickly most times without me saying anything), and being supportive yet not controlling, what can I do?
We talk about things better and better.
To most of would seem rash to know this is the man I want to marry. More time with him only solidifies this further. Nobody have I ever needed in my life more than him . (Second to God)
As I told him, the best me is waiting for the best him. I just want him to be the best version of himself and for him to not feel like he does. I don't want him feeling trapped or hopeless anymore. I know I can't "fix" him but what else can I do? I pray for him regularly.
Please no snide remarks about religion. This is not the place. If you don't agree, either give a different reply or pass on this.
Edit:
He's not completely against help and has reached out more to me and others and has gotten more serious about getting himself where he needs to be. He's not against changing, he wants.
submitted by DraconicHerald to relationship_advice [link] [comments]


2020.09.12 18:48 Content_Carob3508 I’m 25 and have never had a girlfriend. Do I still have a chance?

Throwaway user. I’m asking here because I’m Christian and would not consider dating a non Christian. Therefore, it’s important to ask this question in a Christian environment.
I’m a 25 year old male. I’ve never done anything with a girl and I mean that. I’ve never been on a date or asked a girl out. I’ve never kissed, hugged, or held hands. Obviously I’m a virgin too, but that’s by choice because I wouldn’t consider sex outside of marriage.
Is there still a chance that I could ever find a wife? Maybe my chances are up? Maybe I’m just too old? Maybe my lack of dating would make a girl suspicious? Am I just too ugly/ too much of a loser? Is there any hope or should I just give up?
submitted by Content_Carob3508 to Christianity [link] [comments]


2020.09.12 05:17 cHUCKLEs48 Can't Move Past A Girl That Cheated On Me, Need Advice

So in the fall off 2019, I [M 20] met and started dating a girl [19], we'll call G for short. We dated from September to Christmas Break which was late Decembeearly January at which point we had our first issue.
She went home for the break, which is 8 hours away, and I had been having some trust issues over the other guys are had been hanging out with before she left, and we had an argument and decided to take a break for the remainder of the Christmas Break. I found out from her later that she had went to a guys house that I had mentioned specifically I was uncomfortable with and held hands with said guy [ 22?] during a movie and he walked her out to her car and kissed her goodnight. Obviously could've been a much worse form of cheating but that was as far as we had gone together, both coming from fairly Christian backgrounds.
This only amplified the trust issues I had about the guys she was spending time with before she left for break, who I had also mentioned multiple times made me uncomfortable. Not because they were just guy friends but because they had said things to undermine me and the relationship or they had made it clear they wanted something more than platonic with my now ex-girlfriend.
She apologized for letting it happen, the guy was a little tipsy apparently but she still went over to his house deliberately so I don't think it's entirely on the other guy.
We started acting like we were dating again but never officially called off the break, and she made it clear she wanted me to ask her to be official again before we left for the summer to our seperate homes. I did not, because I felt like there were still some things we needed to work out over the summer before we dated again the next fall, which is now. Also the last experiment with long distance was fairly disastrous and I didn't think it would be a good idea for a whole summer.
Skip to now because I feel like this is getting really long. We were still talking over the summer, she went off to a camp where she would only have cell service on weekends so we only talked on weekends. One weekend, maybe four or five weeks ago, I had sent her a bunch of messages during the week about how much I missed her, couldn't wait to see her again, and couldn't wait to get back to college so we could see each other more often. The mood of the conversation when she had cell service again felt different, but I couldn't get her to tell me what was wrong. Eventually I put it together that she had met someone at camp and asked if that was the case, she said yes. She did not say anything about it when she read all the messages I had sent about making our relationship work again and how I was excited about that.
Even more recently, about a week ago, I found out she knew that she didn't want to date anymore when she went home in April due to Covid, and now I feel like I just got strung along until she found a new guy, which she did.
Even though I know she hurt me and did so deliberately at some points, I still care for her and find myself having a really hard time letting go of her. We had a couple arguments since and I feel bad everytime I tell her my side of the story because I don't want to hurt her feelings, but felt like she needed to know how her actions affected me.
Either way, it's over now, and I just need some advice on how to move past this and get on with my life because I'm having a really hard time with that at the moment and this is a crucial point in my life. Thanks in advance everyone.
Tl/dr: I dated a girl, we broke up and it wasn't good, I know she hurt me but I need help and advice with how to move past it
submitted by cHUCKLEs48 to relationships [link] [comments]


The Golden Rule in Christian Dating Desiring God